Where is God in Grief?

Though I write this from the perspective of losing a loved one, I know there are many grieving now. A chronic condition. An unexpected firing. A loss of normalcy. A system, touted to protect the people, set against them. A society that responds to their cry of, "I do matter to you, don't I?" with a patronizing, "Doesn't everyone?"

Grief.

A topic I've shared ad nauseum. But you write what you know, and grief is a path I've walked and felt and been drastically altered by. Sometimes I feel like the person I was before, during, and throughout the many years since, is so incredibly different that if they all gathered in one room, they'd feel shy and uncomfortable and they'd grasp at small talk straws with little success at finding common ground.

Grief changes you. It hurts, and yet in some ways, it fills you. It guides you. It gives meaning to everything-- a song you sang together, a joke they made about a street sign, a food they loved. Suddenly everything leads back to them. Nothing is just itself anymore.

It's all accompanied by that gnawing feeling. The questions. The numbness. The echoing pain in the pit of your stomach.

It's hard to define. There are so many emotions tied together and plated as "grief".

Grief is fear. As a female raised in the Christian church, a lot of my time growing up was filled with dreams of marriage. There were approximately zero days in middle and high school in which I didn't have romantic feelings for someone. Then, grief. My sister's husband dies. The walls go up. I didn't know I was building them, and I didn't really even notice them until I met someone that started turning this hidden key, and I was terrified and pulling away, and I'm yelling at myself like don't you dare let someone in that could be ripped away from you. Please. Not that again.

Anything else.

Grief is recklessness. I rebel against my insides by antagonizing my outsides. I run until my chest feels like it's collapsing. I throw myself at adrenaline. I'd rather risk everything else. At least it'll just be physical pain and not this emotional/mental/spiritual barbed wire I find myself wrapped up in. Constant movement, constant noise, constant distraction. Get up from my desk one morning and quit my job. Anything. Look outward, focus on the surface. Compartmentalize the deep.

Grief is disappointment. A lot of the loss felt when grieving someone (or something) is this sense of disappointment. You've lost a part of your future that you were really looking forward to. Like you're left standing there, holding the remnants of your dreams in your hands thinking it'll never be enough, it'll never go back together. Everything's tainted. All your plans have a huge hole running through each of them. Now what?

Now what?

Grief is anxiety. It'll never be enough. How can I face this? Was this my fault? What if I did something different? What if I'd called them back? What if I spent one more day with them? How is this fair? Can I ever be normal again? What will that look like? Can I really be happy whatever that is? And what if this happens again? What do I do tomorrow? What do I do in ten years when they're still not here? How do I cancel their mail? Are all these other people okay? Did all these other people already forget? Should I bring it up? Am I the only one still hurting? What if...What if...What if? And all the answers take time.

Grief is loneliness. It's like being stuck down a well. No matter how many people surround you, you're trapped deep down inside yourself. There's darkness everywhere you look. You get little glimpses of friendly faces and their words echo down to you, but by the time it reaches you, it doesn't sound real anymore. All you see are the empty places left behind. It's isolating.

Grief is anger. We want to blame something and when we can't determine what that object should be, it can cause us to lose sight of reality. We hide in our anger, give ourselves over to it. It focuses the hurt elsewhere, keeps it outside. We make up stories in our head and push everyone away because maybe it was their fault, maybe it was mine. Hate can creep in. It can force the good from our lives in search of the root of the bad. Anger at who we lost, anger at those left behind, anger at our reaction to it, anger at other people's reactions to it. Anger is grief's mask, because anger is easier to look at than all these other things hiding behind it.

Much of the grieving process takes place in our subconscious. On the surface, I'd try to play strong and positive for my family and friends. I wanted to be a rock, an encouragement, a reminder of God when they were tempted to forget. I tried to reframe everything in my mind to be optimistic and happy, but my body still grieved.

Exhaustion.

Tears.

Bereavement brain.

Grief is physical. No matter how far you push grief from your mind, it will still show up in your body. Studies have shown that the brains of people experiencing grief have an increase in activity on nearly every neural network. Grief affects every system, from simple things like remembering something someone literally just said to you, to your digestion or posture or heart beat or speech.

There were times I couldn't speak without stopping to regroup and remember how to physically say a word. I'd make that face, like the person in the horror movie that abruptly stops talking, goes blank in the eyes, and falls over to reveal there's a knife in their back, and they just literally died mid-sentence. And that's really as confusing as it felt. Like abruptly my body would just forget how to do things.

And I never attributed it with grief. I spent a lot of time at the doctor's office the year following Jake's death trying to convince them I had some crazy brain tumor. I wanted it to be a crazy brain tumor. In a weird way it made me feel close to him, because I knew he'd find it fascinating and ironic because we always hyperbolically misdiagnosed everything as a brain tumor.

It wasn't a brain tumor. I was just really sad.

All of it adds up to this: grief is confusing. It's hard. It's a weight on your chest.

But it doesn't have to end there.

I like organization. I like timelines. I like knowing what to expect. And that is not grief. Grief changes. One day it's laughter, the next it's crying in the bathroom at a party almost a decade later over a memory mentioned in passing.

It changes, but in that change I saw so so clearly that God did not. His Word did not. His grace did not. His wisdom did not.

In grief, I saw the kindness and the goodness and provision of God. In that darkness, I saw His light. His steady, hopeful, peace-giving light. I felt His compassion. His friendship.

When I faltered, I felt His strength. I could see Him leading me, holding me up.

Grief is a blessing.
Grief is clarifying.
Grief is renewing.

He turned my eyes from my pain to His plans, His Gospel, His Son.

His suffering.

Imagine, the grief Jesus went through on the cross. The grief God went through when He gave up His Son. The grief we cause the Holy Spirit when we fill the hole in our hearts with the world instead of with His presence.

We do not serve a God unfamiliar with grief. Instead, He joined us in it. Willingly.

Where is God in grief? Right beside us.

Thoughts on Feminism as a Christian

There is a cultural move toward "political correctness" that many deem overly sensitive and others deem necessary. Both want the other to change their mind, yet both have already decided to disagree, parroting "winning" arguments in loud, obstinate voices without taking a moment to listen to the other.

I admit, in the past I've had a distaste for the term "feminism," solely based on the idea of a flipped tyranny, angrily sought by perpetuating stereotypes about men for perpetuating stereotypes about women. Now I've given it more thought and read into the core of the movements.

There have been different waves of feminism, each with unique arguments and goals. I am oversimplifying and in no way do I encompass or exhaust the full ideologies of each.

First wave: All American women are American citizens and should have full realization of the rights promised to American citizens. This recognition as a human being with inherent rights before the law should extend globally, and each government is responsible for granting and protecting fair rights and protections for both sexes.

Second wave: All women should be allowed to pursue a career (or to not), and if she attains the same job, with the same education, same level of experience, and she performs it with the same proficiency as a man, she should be paid accordingly. If she does it better, she should be paid accordingly. Though many blame the "Well, men are more likely to ask for a raise," or "They have families to take care of," it is undeniable that men are considered more inherently capable, and women are forced to prove themselves.

Third wave: Feminism can look like many things, and it should be a more individualized movement. Violence against women needs to end, and all have the right to speak and to be listened to. People in power should not be protected against the consequences of their actions resulting in fear on the part of the victim to speak up.

I support being proud of who we are, confident in our skills, caring for ourselves, but "self-actualization" is often hatefulness dressed up as freedom. "If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best" is a toxic, me-first attitude that does not promote any personal responsibility or reflection. It is reactionary, it is angry, it is destructive, and it is not done in love-- for ourselves or others. This is not love for ourselves, though it proports to be. It does not give people the opportunity to grow and yet it is totally unaware of it's own need for growth or it's own affect on others. People are allowed to be offended and hurt by your actions. Thinking someone is toxic for confronting you while you're just trying to live your truth is the toxic behavior. And it is contagious, it is the Fruit that Satan holds out to us, promising wisdom and fulfillment, promising that we will be like gods.

I don't believe the road to equality is traveled more quickly by blaming those ahead of you for being ahead of you. Work hard, and prove yourself able. Be reasonable, and prove yourself reliable. Be humble, and prove yourself honorable. That won't always be enough, because of your gender, your skin color, your temperament. But let it be a comfort that you are doing your best, and your best is beautiful.

When you find someone that doesn't comply or that holds to discriminatory ideas, I believe more will reconsider when shown kindness than obstinance. Despite their contemptible behavior, you acknowledge that they are human beings. Disrespect them and you undermine your own argument; respect them and you prove you believe it. If you see a woman being disparaged, stand with her. If you see a man being disparaged, stand with him. Not everyone needs a warrior, some people just need a friend.

Respond with grace while others are at their worst, celebrate with them at their best. Give everyone the benefit of the doubt. Just as you expect others to accept the excuses for your actions that hurt them, practice empathy in seeing it from their perspective before you respond. Then forgive them, fully and forever; holding grudges, promoting hate is not a step forward. Justice is a step forward, honesty, transparency, open communication makes steps forward.

The feminism I support is that which promotes true equality, that isn't fighting for the usurpation of the oppressor's throne, but rather the dissolution of the oppression entirely-- fighting for equal representation and provision for any and all to whom it has previously been granted or denied.

"For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice. But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere. And a harvest of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace. What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel." (James 3:13-4:12)

"To have [unsettled disputes] at all with one another is already a defeat for you. Why not rather suffer wrong? Why not rather be defrauded? But you yourselves wrong and defraud-- even your own brothers!" (1 Corinthians 6:7)

In the Name of God our Creator, Christ our Example, and the Holy Spirit our Guide, find and reflect the "love that covers a multitude of wrongs" and "looks not only to [your] own interests, but also to the interests of others," the love that "lays down [its] life for [their] friends" and "outdoes one another in showing honor." The love that "does not grow weary of doing good" but "makes every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification."

"Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ."

Remembering Christ After Choosing Sin

“Simon, Simon, behold, Satan demanded to have you, that he might sift you like wheat, but I have prayed for you that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned again, strengthen your brothers” (Luke 22:31-32).

One verse that strikes me every time I think of it is Luke 22:61. Jesus stands before His accusers when Peter, lost in the crowd, denies being His close friend and follower. Immediately, Jesus "turned and looked at Peter." Heartbreak.

We're given no description of the expression on Jesus's face, but that look reminds Paul of what Jesus told him only a few verses earlier. It reminds him of his subsequent promise to never leave Jesus, even in the face of opposition or unpopularity. It reminds him of his inability to keep that promise for even one day.

And he runs out, weeping bitterly.

It is in our nature to run from the wrong that we do, from the ones we have wronged, and especially from those that have the authority to give us the consequences. Peter's consequence was a look from Christ reminding him of their conversation.

We make similar claims. We feel in the moment that we will always hold fast to the One we call Lord. Then the moment changes and what was once only a dark improbability has become the inescapable reality. And it's so much more difficult than we thought it'd be. 

We conjecture that no pain will be too great to cause us to doubt His care, that no disappointment will be too complete to cause us to question His wisdom, or that no hardship will last long enough to wear us down to a point of losing hope. But then it's here and a hundred of your emotions are at the surface and yet nonexistent at the same time. All your previous thoughts seem so foolish and so prideful and so useless, and like maybe this is it, maybe this is what will finally make you walk away or make Him give up on you. Lost in yourself with a whole crowd of people huddled around you, watching your reactions and trying to measure you up against some arbitrary standard.

You give in to despair or boredom or anger. You give up on the fight for holiness. 

And then He looks at you and you remember everything He's ever said to you, everything He's promised you. And there's pity and there's justice and there's hope and there's peace and there's comfort in the light of His face.

In brokenness, you are strengthened. In repentance, you are renewed. Because of He Who looked at you, Who reminded you that you are not on your own, that He has already prayed for you, that He is still praying for you.

He is with you. He is in you. He prepares the way before you and stands guard behind you. He gives life to the weary and the downcast. 

And His is not an arbitrary standard. When He looks at you in your disobedience, He not only knows your sinfulness completely and still holds on to you; He also knows your choices, having faced them Himself, "tempted in every way," yet every time choosing to do what was pure and righteous and good (Hebrews 4:15).

When He looked at Peter, it was not yet from a position of the conquering warrior but the submissive sacrifice, with immense suffering still looming imminently before Him. He knew Peter's denial. He knew Peter's betrayal. And still He put Himself into the violent hands of those who hated Him. 

Peter didn't just need an Example; He needed a substitute. We all do. When we reject God in order to please ourselves, we need one Who rejected Himself in order to please God. It is only in His power, by His prayers, that we can turn around and do differently and see differently. Jesus didn't put His hope in Peter, that he would decide to turn again after thrice choosing disobedience. Jesus put His hope in God, that He would "cause [Peter] to be born again into a living hope" (1 Peter 1:3). Peter's return was assured by the God from and through Whom salvation comes, for "no purpose of [His] can be thwarted" (Job 42:2). 

Peter saw himself finally as the Lord had seen him all along and he "wept bitterly" because of it. But he didn't give himself over to that feeling forever. Jesus had prayed for him, that his "faith would not fail" and that he would "turn again" to "strengthen the brothers."

It was this prayer on his behalf and the knowledge that Jesus was able to look at him and still love him-- with full knowledge of his past and future failings-- that strengthened his faith and encouraged him to stand and continue.

This truth and those prayers stand firm throughout the ages to meet us here today. Because Jesus did conquer death, "He is able also to save forever those who draw near to God through Him, since He always lives to make intercession for them" (Hebrews 7:25).

There is no power which can take us from His might, no disobedience which can cause Him to reconsider His promise of salvation to us, because "'when we are faithless, He remains faithful' for He cannot deny Himself" (2 Timothy 2:13).

He is just, and He is merciful, and through Christ He is able to be both at once, saving forever those who still mess up despite a great salvation. He has redeemed us. He is making us new.

He will keep us until the day we are taken to His side, where finally "we shall be like Him, because we shall see Him as He is" (1 John 3:2).

When a Christian Falls Away

"...and some of the wise shall stumble, so that they may be refined, purified, and made white..." (Daniel 11:35)

It hurts to hear someone who once followed Christ has traded Him for the pleasures of the world. There are those who go astray who were never true in their repentance at the first, just as John says in 1 John 2:19. But I believe that there are true believers, too, who walk away, spend a good deal of their time saying "yes" to sin (Titus 2:12), and return, never having lost their status as "son" in Christ, but grieving the Holy Spirit all the same.

In fact, as the Prodigal Son gave everything to his momentary pleasure until he had nothing left, it is often this wallowing in sin that causes many to return to God with even greater humility and awe and joy, knowing that when they went astray, He was steady and they were "kept" (Jude 1:1).

I don't believe God revokes justification. I don't believe we keep ourselves saved by our obedience. But where does 1 John fit into this? There is a whole section expounding the fact that "no one born of God makes a practice of sinning, for God's Seed abides in him, and he cannot keep on sinning because he has been born of God."

I think the difference is understood in this: time.

There are those who never truly knew Christ, but spoke as though they did-- and maybe even believed it themselves. In the middle of all the church activities, just like those crowds who welcomed Jesus into Jerusalem shouting one day that He was their King and the next that He should die.

After these have turned to pursue the world, few return, nor do they find any reason to. All they thought they knew of God was only second-hand and disappointing. What they had in church was never any more real (and a lot less visceral) to them than the temporary highs the world has given them since they've abandoned Him and His teaching.

However, for those who do know Christ, I feel like in the back of their minds they still fight with themselves, even just a little, knowing that what they are doing won't give them the lasting fulfillment they want. They get more and more determined to misattribute the depression and fear and shame they feel and seek to override it by committing more shameful acts until one day they find they can't continue. And so they repent because, despite all the anxiety toward returning to Christ and His church, they recognize it as the only complete hope and light to be found in the world.

And that is the difference: they do come back.

They come back to the peace and joy of God found in the study and practice of His commands.

Not back to favor with God or to salvation because that can't be lost. Those who have been called and justified cannot annul the promise of being glorified (Romans 8:30). They have the promise that the work that has been started in them by God will also be brought to completion by God (Philippians 1:6). They have the Holy Spirit as a guarantee of their salvation (Ephesians 1:4), no matter how well they've managed to stifle His conviction.

Our position before God is never based on us and how well we do choosing Christ and abstaining from sin. It is based in Christ. Always and only Christ-- His holy birth, His holy life, His holy death, His holy resurrection, all "according to the Scriptures," (1 Corinthians 15:3-4) and all the basis for the new covenant (Hebrews, especially 10:11-18) through which we stand before God.

As Colossians 3:3 states, we are hidden with Christ in God. What does this mean but that the unity Jesus prayed for in John 17 has been granted-- that just as He and the Father are one, so we also may be one with each other and, all together, with Him.

We cannot be separated. The Father and Christ cannot be separated; they are One eternally. The Father turned His back on His Son on the cross as He became sin for us (1 Corinthians 5:21), but Jesus didn't cease to be the Father's Son. No, that inexorable title and nature is what caused Christ to rise from the dead in victory! In salvation, we, too-- because we are "hidden in" (within; protected, renewed, kept, and insured by) One who will never be cast away-- are ourselves never to be cast away.

Perhaps you will say that because we are hidden in Christ, we will not give in to sin again for any extended amount of time. Lord willing that will be true. But how much time is too much? For surely we all sin, and that sin takes time to commit. Is there a limit? a grace period that expires at a certain mark, after which you lose your salvation? I don't believe there to be such a scale.

Let's go back to Colossians 3, adding in Ephesians 2-4 which begins with Paul telling us that, though still physically on earth, we also are seated with Christ in Heaven. We see from the order of action in both of these passages that it is only from that position that we are able to give up sin. We are not in Christ because we are doing a good job of resisting temptation on our own. We fight to become sinless because we have been made alive in Christ, and it is only by the strength that He provides that we can obey (Philippians 2:13).

Our position doesn't change because Christ never changes, and, if we are in Him, we are protected by His perfection. He has given His perfect record to us forever. He did not wipe our slate clean at the beginning of salvation to then begin a new record of wrongs.

Yes, God knows our current sins. He isn't blind to our actions; He knows when we've gone astray. But He doesn't attach His wrath to that knowledge, "for Christ also suffered once for sins, the righteous for the unrighteous, to bring you to God." The sentence for every sin we have, are, or will commit has already been spent on Christ.

And that is why we shouldn't continue sinning.

Why Hebrews 10 goes on to say that when we sin, we have "trampled underfoot the Son of God, and profaned the blood of the covenant by which [we are] sanctified, and has treated with arrogance the Spirit of grace."

How dare we disgrace that which has given us our freedom. How much greater wrath do we deserve who spitefully disregard He Who destroyed Himself, so we could be made whole in Him? What further hope do we have than Christ?

But His blood and His covenant, even in the face of great contempt, do not become ineffectual. Because God cannot deny Himself (2 Timothy 2:13), He remains faithful to the covenant He has made with His Son and with us, even when we wander.

Christ is our sacrifice, pointing to His once and for all pardon.

Christ is our King and our Judge, reminding us of His Law and writing it on our hearts, disciplining us in whatever way necessary to cause us to feel true remorse over the "sin that so easily entangles" (Hebrews 12:1) that we might return to Him in repentance.

Christ is our High Priest, "praying for us that our faith may not fail" and instructing us to "strengthen our brothers" by pointing out the deceitfulness of sin and the "surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus" (Philippians 3:8).

If we are truly in Christ, eventually we will listen. And when we've returned, we will have been further refined and purified through the fire of disappointment, discipline, and repentance.

An Open Letter to Men who Grew Up in Church

An idea that permeates almost all television and movie genres is weak men. Men who are terrible at communicating, passive in parenting, inconsiderate in friendships, dishonest in relationships, and self-centered in life goals. The husband always the cheaters, physically or mentally. The fathers are always the disinterested, "go ask your mother," parent. Men are always the ones disconnected from and complacent toward their "inferiors". They flirt indiscriminately and run from commitment. The only ones that are any different are "the one" the female lead is looking for, and usually they're so "caring" that their entire world revolves around that one, special lady (ew).

It's really a shame that we expect so little from the males around us, especially within the church.

Christian men are told constantly they should be spiritual leaders, but there are mountains of slander rebelling against them. There are over-generalizations and little compassion from the church, and, in my experience, especially from the women.

At my church, usually around tenth grade, the girls would get together, sit the guys down, and have a "talk" with them. It basically goes that they'd tell the guys they need to step up and lead for 45 minutes, but that's the end of it. There's no real advice. We tell them they aren't doing a good job without stopping to consider that maybe they haven't yet been taught how. It isn't constructive or instructive. 

When a guy volunteers to do something, many people almost sneer at them as if "it's about time we awesome women can sit back for once while a guy does something for a change." Really, there is so much bitterness and angsty speech, as if we're perfect and they're the worst.

But Biblical womanhood is about so much more than sitting back as men lead. It's about helping them to lead. We are to be a support system within the Body, each with assigned roles-- not of value or worth, but of duty.

And men have been given the duty to lead, women the duty to help them do so.

God made man to be strong, to protect, to stand up for those who can't, to serve, to lead, to love.

God made women to be strong, to encourage, to stand up for those who can't, to serve, to nurture, to respect.

Women often feel they have to "teach" the males to be men, as if women perfectly understand what that entails. We feel we have to set an example and then sigh as we sit down and make eye contact with the guy seated beside us. Like if we just tell them they're doing poorly enough times, eventually they'll stop being "lazy" and do what we ask. After all, "is it really that hard?"

But it is. Especially when many of these guys do not have Godly men discipling them, in order to "imitate them as they imitate Christ" (1 Corinthians 11:1). Many of them feel insecure now that none of the things they have done seem to count. Much of the time, their focus is forced onto pleasing us instead of God, because somehow, though He requires us "to be perfect, as our heavenly Father is perfect," we are more difficult to please. Though God has forgiven us of much, we are less willing to extend grace.

They don't need complaints, they need instruction.

They don't need nagging, they need affirmation.

They don't need girls looking with disdain on their efforts as if they aren't enough.

It takes support to be strong, to stand in the face of opposition. It takes vulnerability to live in unity of purpose. It takes other, more spiritually mature men coming alongside them, helping them to develop the ability to learn and obey God's Word and to respond to the Holy Spirit's leading. It takes specificity in instruction and examples in correction. There is no room for, "You shouldn't need me to tell you," or, "You should already know."

We need to point them to Christ instead of at their sin. To remind them of God's Word, that it isn't their strength and actions that make them acceptable to God, that there are consequences but also grace and forgiveness and love when they're wrong. 

We expect so little. We expect men to fail, to act how we are told by the media that "men" (*cross arms, side-glance, eye-roll, sigh*) "always" act.

It is often times true. Men were made to lead, to be a representation of Christ in their leading, as Christ leads the Church. Satan knows that. And so he attacks them. He attacks them with fear, self-doubt, laziness, and lack of empathy. He attacks repeatedly in attempt to wear them down into becoming passive, angry, indecisive, self-loathing.

We shouldn't let our voices endorse the message that Satan is trying to send them. Our words should not be reiterating those of our Lord's enemy.

Our words should be life-giving, refreshing their souls. They should be kind, helpful, and honest, comforting their hearts and strengthening their minds. As "fellow heirs" and "brothers and sisters," we should build them up to become like Christ, Who was confident by faith in the Word and love and plan of God. We should acknowledge small steps in the right direction. 

It is the job of the Holy Spirit to convict. No matter how many times we remind anyone of something in the Bible, it is the Holy Spirit Who gives the words effect. Knowing this, we don't need to say (or imply passive-aggressively...) something incessantly, making our tone and message and body language exponentially more disparaging and making ourselves more and more bitter and prideful in the process. Speak truth to one another, yes, and pray. Pray until you see change and then keep praying. It is in prayer that God keeps your heart tender to those around you-- even those who continue to mess up, no matter how many times you admonish them. 

We must regard one another with humility, gentleness, and respect, remembering that it is the grace of God that we have any revelation of His will at all, and that "it is He Who works in us, both to will and to work according to His good pleasure." Of course there is effort on our part, and it is important to speak honest words that point out error, but, as Matthew 18 commands, our rebuke should be private, and it shouldn't be condemning. It should be done in the willingness to listen, understand, help, and to see them restored.

In Christ, our guilt is gone. Who are we to continue to hold it against them?

In Christ, we are given a new heart. Who are we to think theirs is any less responsive than ours?

In Christ, we are made one. Who are we to speak harshly against members of our own body and feel no pain on their behalf?

Let our words be kind and our actions true, all done in hope that the Body may "build itself up" in unity and in the restoration of relationships and reputation, instead of torn down by the defeat of self-fulfilling prophecy and gossip and pride.

Don't Wait for Your Future Spouse

"Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil... giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ." Ephesians 5.

Women of God encouraging younger women of God to wait patiently for their husbands wooed me into a dissonance of trust and hope. See, over and over again, I was told that "if you just pray", "if you just give up your desires to the Lord", "if you just do what He has you doing now", He will bring the right man at the right time.

Let's translate that into how I perceived it as a 7th grader:

"As soon as you stop looking, you'll trip over him as he's on one knee proposing to you!"

"Focus on obeying God and suddenly there will be the man of your dreams right beside you!"

And how I feel when I find myself still single:

"You have not sufficiently given God your desires to marry."

"You are not obedient enough to warrant a husband."

Needless to say, it was discouraging. And it was also deceiving. Because that just isn't how it works. I wish I had thought through my perceptions before they became instilled in me as truth.

With this mindset, not only am I discouraged about my faith because of my lack of romantic relationships, but I am deceived by my own hidden motives. If I do this, I will get that. I walk in obedience in one direction, the whole time checking back over my shoulder to see if my husband is falling in love with me yet. Suddenly, my obedience and fervor to speak of and act out the Gospel is less about genuine concern and service rendered as unto the Lord, and more of a self-serving "sacrifice" meant to give me what I want.

Maybe this is just my idolatry of marriage playing in to my thoughts. I know this to be at least partially true, as I've been looking ahead to the time of being able to love someone and have them love me in return until death do us part since I was aboouuut 8 years old. So I know I've thrown in some of my own biases while interpreting these well-meaning ladies.

But I think we need to be more specific when it comes to encouraging women to wait and to trust.

God is so good. He knows what I need, who I need, where I need to go, what I need to do. He knows my hopes, and He knows what will best fulfill the desires of my heart because He's the One Who made them.

He doesn't promise that I will get everything I want, but He does promise that if I pursue first His Kingdom and righteousness, He will provide for me everything I need, as a loving father provides for his beloved son.

Need being the key word.

I do have fears of loneliness, but the only time I truly feel lonely is when I'm complaining to people about how lonely I am, because I feel like I'm supposed to, because I'm ridiculous and want pity and compliments. I want someone to tell me of my value in the eyes of men. This isn't a need.

This is silly.

An insult to the Lord, Who sustains and satisfies those who seek Him.

What I need is not to wait on something He doesn't promise, like a love story that puts all other romantic relationships to shame. Maybe one day He does have plans for me to marry, but future possibilities cannot eclipse my current responsibilities or inhibit my thanksgiving.

What I do need to wait for are the instructions that He will give, while living according to the commands He has already given. To actively be still, knowing that He is God. To "run in the path of [His] commands" with joy and trust and peace and self-discipline. 

I need to stop waiting for God to give in to my idolatry while excusing my idleness. I need to wait with hope because God is wiser than I am, His timing and gifts are perfect, He is good, and He loves me and wants what is actually best for me.

That is the best use of my time.

So what if it wasn't good for Adam to be alone, prompting God to make Eve? So what if the first relationship given to ease loneliness was a marital one? Marriage is a shadow of a reality we can all know in Christ-- married or unmarried-- as He betrothes Himself to us, just as He unites us with the Father and with the whole Church of God.

Romantic relationships are not the only ones in which we can be known and loved. They shouldn't be the only ones we put effort into. There are plenty of other interpersonal relationships in which we connect in mentally and spiritually, reminding us that we are fully known and cared for by God.

My value does not rest in the desire of a man; it rests in the constant and unchanging, finished work of Jesus Christ, making me, through faith, forever, an inheriting child of the High King and Creator of all the universe. That is huge.

What the heck does it matter if a cute boy thinks I'm pretty.

The Word of the Cross is Folly and Power.

The Lord has been teaching me about those who blatantly oppose Christianity, Who scoff at the very idea of God, calling Him a fairy tale for the ignorant.

Thankfully, He reminds me that I too once hated Him with all of my heart, soul, mind, and strength. That even now, after I've been given a new heart, I turn so often from Him, denying Him with my actions, words, and thoughts.

He reminds me that "no one can come to [Christ] unless the Father draws him" (John 6:44).

That latter reminder is twofold.

First, that I am saved by grace, through faith, not of myself so that I cannot boast (Ephesians 2).

Second, that they can be saved by grace, through faith, not of themselves and especially not through my words, so neither I nor they can boast.

I listen, wishing I knew a hundred things to say to prove 100% that God exists. That God saves. That He is coming again to judge the earth according to His commands. But I must remember, through all my studying, my "debating," that people are not saved by eloquent arguments.

I was so burdened yesterday and spent a most of my time at work pondering the best wording for various arguments. I'm sure someone out there has wonderful logic that can explain everything in extensive detail. I am thankful those people exist. I'm not that person. I lose my train of thought a few syllables in, and I can't think of the words I want to use, and my sentences are out of order.

I'm intimidated by the opposing arguments. They have all these catchy phrases and scientific facts and things that really do seem so convincing on the surface. But wit and eloquence don't make a person right; we cannot confuse these when trying to discern truth. A lie attractively spoken is still foolish.

I'm a sucker for arguments that show understanding of the topic and not just ad hominem. That's where a lot of Christians stand when it comes to "debates." They get this cynical, scoffing tone that comes across just as clearly over text as it does in person. At the same time, they don't make any real points and rarely address the topic at hand. Or they repeat the same sentence that they heard someone say once over and over again, showing no further thought about the subject.

They turn it to a personal attack. Why? So they can "win"? To what end?

Do we forget we are saved by grace through faith given to us by the Father? It is He Who awakens us and draws us to His Son. It was His Son Who lived perfectly and died for us and raised Himself to life, and He Who gave us the Holy Spirit to work in us to will and to act according to His good pleasure. 

It's frustrating that the loudest are not often the most understanding. I don't want to be there.  I want to answer for the hope that I have in Christ, with all gentleness and respect (1 Peter 3:15). I want to be able to speak the evidences for God that exist, because He does exist. 

Anyway, after much discouragement over my lack of eloquence, I sat down to read the next chapter of my read-through-the-Bible plan, the chapter I was supposed to read the day before but didn't.

1 Corinthians 1-2.

Guys... sovereignty.

It's exactly the answer to my thoughts and prayers of that day.

"For Christ did not send me to baptize but to preach the Gospel, and not with words of eloquent wisdom, lest the cross of Christ be emptied of its power.

For the word of the cross is folly to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God. For it is written, 'I will destroy the wisdom of the wise, and the discernment of the discerning I will thwart.'

Where is the one who is wise? Where is the scribe? Where is the debater of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world? For since, in the wisdom of God, the world did not know God through wisdom, it pleased God through the folly of what we preach to save those who believe. For Jews demand signs and Greeks seek wisdom, but we preach Christ crucified, a stumbling block to Jews and folly to Gentiles, but to those who are called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God. For the foolishness of God is wiser than men, and the weakness of God is stronger than men.

For consider your calling, brothers: not many of you were wise according to worldly standards, not many were powerful, not many were of noble birth. But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, so that no human being might boast in the presence of God. And because of Him you are in Christ Jesus, Who became to us wisdom from God, righteousness and sanctification and redemption, so that, as it is written, 'Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord.'

And I, when I came to you, brothers, did not come proclaiming to you the testimony of God with lofty speech or wisdom. For I decided to know nothing among you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. And I was with you in weakness and in fear and much trembling, and my speech and my message were not in plausible words of wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power, that your faith might not rest in the wisdom of men but in the power of God.

Yet among the mature we do impart wisdom, although it is not a wisdom of this age or of the rulers of this age, who are doomed to pass away."

Please, seek knowledge; study arguments for and against Christianity. Do it in a manner worthy of the Gospel.

But do not "worry about what to say or how to say it, for in that time it will not be you speaking but the Holy Spirit speaking through you" (Matthew 10:20). His are the words that need to be heard; Christ is the message that saves; His is the wisdom irrefutable (Acts 6:10).

“Suppose a number of persons were to take it into their heads that they had to defend a lion... Well, I should suggest to them, if they would not object, and feel that it was humbling to them, that they should kindly stand back, and open the door, and let the lion out! I believe that would be the best way of defending him, for he would take care of himself; and the best 'apology' for the gospel is to let the gospel out.” - Charles Spurgeon

Thinking you need eloquent arguments to convince people to follow Him "empties the cross of its power," and betrays your subconscious belief that the Gospel is not powerful enough on Its own to save.

But It is. 

The truth is enough on its own. What an honor it is to speak it.

3 Things to Remember When You Don't Feel Like Being Single Anymore

"The unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband. I say this for your own benefit, not to lay any restraint upon you, but to promote good order and to secure your undivided devotion to the Lord" (1 Corinthians 7:33-35).

I've been very convicted about my attention and mindset recently. And by recently, I mean like the past year. But alas, here I am, still struggling against the same sins.

There are so many assumptions in the Bible that I fail to match up to. Paul here assumes that the unmarried woman is anxious about the Lord with undivided devotion to Him. How is it, then, that when I'm not intentionally thinking about the Lord, I don't think about the Lord? It actually takes a good bit of effort for me to concentrate my mind on things above, but it is commanded. The Psalms are filled with verses about thinking of the Lord day and night. About delighting in thoughts of Him.

Here's where my idolatry and pride come in:

Instead of constantly being "anxious about things of the Lord", namely "how to be holy in body and spirit," I feel anxious about my future. Why? When has anything I planned ever come out exactly the way I imagined? I look back at the wonderful, gracious sovereignty of the Lord over my past and am filled with gratitude. Looking forward, that gratitude dims. I feel as though I will fail. Everything will fail. And that I just want to go Home because trusting Him on earth is really hard.

As if trusting in myself were easier, less stressful. 

It is a great and glorious thing to trust in the Lord! There is freedom and peace; indeed, "in His presence there is fullness of joy" (Psalm 16:11).

I think to myself that my life would just make a lot more sense if I were married. I have this desire to serve a husband, to honor and respect him, to be loved by him for Jesus's Name's sake (Ephesians 5:25, 33). And those are good things, Biblical things. But if they are not in the will of the Lord for me now, no matter how badly I desire them or even how good those activities are, they would not be in my best interest. So, because the "Lord works out all things for my good", if something I want isn't happening: praise the Lord! I can trust that whatever He does bring about will be far better (Romans 8:28)!

But it's difficult to walk step by step in that truth. It's hard not to wander, to doubt. Certainly that is the plan of the enemy and has been since he stirred up doubt in Eve regarding the goodness of the commands and providence of the Lord while in the Garden of Eden. 

So how do we fight against him?

1. Remember that "if you do not stand firm in faith, you will not stand at all" (Isaiah 7:9). Christian, know that "it is God Who works in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure" (Philippians 2:13). No matter how badly we want to be holy, God wants that for us even more, and He is sustaining us throughout our lifelong fight of "conformation into the image of the Son" (2 Corinthians 3:18). Though we do not have the ability to please Him on our own, He gives us strength as we put in the effort to train ourselves to be faithful in prayer and to His Word. 

We need constantly to direct our thoughts toward Him and to take each of them captive to make them obedient to Him (2 Corinthians 10:5). When we stop feeding ourselves Truth, it gets progressively more difficult to discern it from lies. We start reverting to our former ways in the world instead of "being transformed by the renewal of [our] minds" because that renewal is not a one-time thing; it is a daily effort (Romans 12:2). To daily fill our minds with the Word so we can hold what we see and hear up to what the Lord has spoken.

In addition to prayer and the Bible, God has also given us His Holy Spirit, Who will "teach [us] all things and bring to [our] remembrance all that [Christ] has said" and Who convicts us when we stray (John 14:26). For we are "His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that [we] should walk in them" (Ephesians 2:10).

2. "Take up the whole armor of God, that we may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the Gospel of peace. In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. To that end keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints, and also for me, that words may be given to me in opening my mouth boldly to proclaim the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains, that I may declare it boldly, as I ought to speak" (Ephesians 6).

We must be clothed with truth, righteousness, and the Gospel. Protect ourselves with faith. Have the mind of Christ. Be armed with the Word of God. And do all these things while being "constant in prayer,"-- not prayer for ourselves only but for all the saints who are battling alongside us, protecting them also as we see danger coming toward them, working with one purpose as Christ has made us one in His salvation.

3. Talk about your current opportunities. "Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the Name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you." And the best part: "Behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age" (Matthew 28:19). By wrapping the command up with the promise of His presence, He reminds us that we need Him in order to accomplish the things He desires for us to do. That power will include giving you the grace to stand up against the lust and loneliness that often come with being single. 

Instead of spending so much time talking about your desire to be in a romantic relationship, focus on the relationships God does have you in today-- family, friends, coworkers, classmates, mentors and mentees. Focus your conversations on things you can be doing now, not only on your hopes for tomorrow. Find ways to serve others, being generous with your attention, your money, and your time. That is how to be anxious about the things of the Lord.

Doing all these things with "undivided devotion" is a long process that requires a lot of effort. And I have a lot more effort to go. But it is the Lord working in me to want it, and He will not relent. 

"Now may the God of peace Who brought again from the dead our Lord Jesus, the great Shepherd of the sheep, by the blood of the eternal covenant, equip you with everything good that you may do His will, working in us that which is pleasing in His sight, through Jesus Christ, to Whom be glory forever and ever." (Hebrews 13:20)

"To Him Who is able to keep you from stumbling and to present you blameless before the presence of His glory with great joy, to the only God, our Savior, through Jesus Christ our Lord, be glory, majesty, dominion, and authority, before all time and now and forever. Amen." (Jude 1:24)

5 Lessons from Spiritual Drought

“For he will be like a tree planted by the water,

That extends its roots by a stream

And will not fear when the heat comes;

But its leaves will be green,

And it will not be anxious in a year of drought

Nor cease to yield fruit."

Three years ago, the Lord brought this verse daily to my mind. As I meditated on it one night, I sensed that the Lord was using it to prepare me for the time of drought that He was leading me into. In my pride, I was all about it. I was ready. Excited, even. Just days later, my once intimate relationship with the Lord seemed veiled. He seemed distant; my time in the Word seemed shallow, just enough to keep me alive that day. Worship was painful. Hollow words sung by a troubled heart. My prayers once filled with love and delight instead were timidly spoken as though to one with whom I was hardly acquainted.

I began to worry. Satan began to speak so many things to me. Instead of the voice of the Lord telling me He was bringing me to this place, Satan told me I wandered here on my own. Eventually I believed him. I grew tired trying to find my way back with no success. This brought more lies. My own works, my own strength. Where is the God I once walked with so intimately? What did I do to get here?

I became angry with myself; tired to the point of despair. I have so much sorrow in my heart (Psalm 13). Am I saved? I feel lonely and broken and wretched. I miss Him. Surely "I am a worm and not a man" (Psalm 22:6), a" brute beast" (Psalm 73:22) before the Righteous Judge, Who judges impartially each according to his deeds (1 Peter 1:17). Surely my fate is condemnation! Or else, where is this "joy in my salvation" (Psalm 13:5)? This "ever-present help in trouble" (Psalm 46:1)?

"How long, O Lord? Will You forget me forever?

How long will You hide Your face from me?

How long must I wrestle with my thoughts

and every day have sorrow in my heart?

How long will my enemy triumph over me?"

But in the midst of my feelings, and honestly my despair of self (2 Corinthians 1:8), the Lord is accomplishing His purposes. He brought me here. He led me into this place of drought. He warned me. And how quick was I to believe the lies!

Yet, His purposes overcame, His promises stood, even when I didn't see it.

To be honest, I still have a hard time seeing it. None of these things are truly in the past for me, and I continue to struggle with these thoughts. For the past year, almost daily, I've questioned if I am truly saved. Like, what else would explain this? Or I must be unrepentantly living in sin for Him to seem so distant and for my mind to be so dull in understanding His Scriptures and ways, for this long. And if I'm living in unconfessed sin that's kept the Lord at bay for 3 years... still saved? 1 John says no. I only have one logical conclusion...

"Look on me and answer, O Lord my God.

Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;

my enemy will say, 'I have overcome him,'

and my foes will rejoice when I fall."

Ah, but the Lord is greatly to be praised!

1 Samuel 3:18 states it well: "He is the Lord, let Him do what is right in His eyes." And He will. And that is assuredly for our good! For while my strength fails, He accomplished His will. He is faithful to do as He has planned all along. This 3-year journey, which still continues, is not without fruit:

Conviction of sin. In the midst of my own failing strength, I came to see my limitations. I came out of a place of abundance, of great grace and intimacy. My favorite verse was about my Maker being my Husband (Isaiah 54:5). I rejoiced in His love. But I felt so special. I constantly compared myself to the people around me and saw God's grace in sustaining my obedience as something to take pride in. Yet there I was, flattering myself too much to detect and hate my own sin (Psalm 36:2), while constantly crying out to be made holy. I was a lot like the Pharisees, comparing myself to others and thinking I come out on top. This time of thirst has brought intense introspection, and I praise God, "for I know my transgressions, and my sin is ever before me," (Psalm 51) yet He is teaching me to constantly remember His Son. For "purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean; wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow." By His blood, I have life. In His death and resurrection, I walk before the Lord in His favor, as a son and co-heir with Christ, empowered to live in a manner worthy of that inheritance and calling (Ephesians 4:1).

Trust. As I mentioned earlier, my time in the Word seemed only enough for the day. And I believe that was intentional. "Give us this day our daily bread" (Exodus 16, Matthew 6:11). A lesson, every day, to trust. To believe Him at His Word. He is faithful to do as He says. He's been showing me that I often seek answers and understanding, instead of following Him each moment. But "we walk by faith, and not by sight" (2 Corinthians 5:7). I don't need to know anything about my circumstances for the rest of my life in order to trust God. Because sometimes He doesn't explain anything. Sometimes He doesn't make our decisions clear, but He does lead us in His paths for His Name's sake (Psalm 23:3). Every step we take is sovereignly guided by the "Shepherd and Overseer of my soul" (1 Peter 2:25).

Discipline (by grace). This also applies to my time in the Bible these past 3 years. I can't explain to you the amount of times I've read His words in tears, not because It is "sharper than any two-edged sword", but because It didn't feel "living and active" at all (Hebrews 4:12). Because my mind didn't seem to be illuminated to the Scripture and the words written were the only ones I heard, and sometimes even they made little sense. And yet, by grace, He has kept me consistently in the precious pages of the revelation of His character and His plan for redemption and sanctification. This has proven invaluable to the sustaining of my faith and of my obedience to Him. This daily bread, given at His determining, has preserved my life.

Saved to a community and Body of believers. Before this season, I'd write paragraphs full of thoughts and prayers reading even just one verse. Nowadays, I'm happy to understand what is written. I do think this is largely due to the fact that I didn't share what I learned (but also to remind me that it's not anything about me, it's His grace that allows me to learn and to hear). I thought, once again, that I was special and that this understanding was for me, for my own relationship with Him. But He has taught me that my faith, His lessons, His gifts, everything He does is for the building up of the Body, that together, by "speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into Him Who is the Head" (Ephesians 4:15). For "if we are comforted, it is for your comfort" (2 Corinthians 1:6), not just our own. He has not allowed me to continue to think so selfishly without conviction.

I am thankful.

"But I trust in Your unfailing love;

my heart rejoices in Your salvation.

I will sing to the Lord,

for He has been good to me."

He has done so much. And though His promises are not always fulfilled the way we expect them to be, we can be no less assured that He is keeping them. He is always "Faithful and True" (Revelation 19:11). And He is in the process of doing much more. He is making me not only a hearer, but a doer of His Word-- that my conviction would lead to "bearing fruit in keeping with repentance" (James 1:25, Matthew 3:8).

"For You, O God, have tested us, You have tried us like silver. You brought us into the net; You laid a crushing burden on our backs; You let men ride over our heads; we went through fire and through water; yet You have brought us out to a place of abundance" (Psalm 66:10-12).

At times my weakness throughout this trial makes me feel "so utterly burdened beyond my strength that I despair of life itself. Indeed, I felt that I had received the sentence of death. But that was to make me rely not on myself but on God Who raises the dead." (2 Corinthians 1:8-9). "Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!" (Romans 7:24). "In this I rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, I have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of my faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is refined by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ" (1 Peter 1:6-7). Therefore, "return to rest once more, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you. For [He has] delivered my soul from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling; that I may walk before the Lord in the land of the living" (Psalm 116:7-9).