June 27, 2015.

Four years and one week ago, my brother-in-law and I were standing around talking about my going to Israel for six weeks-- that he and my sister would come over to have breakfast the day I left, cutting short his planned camping trip the night before. A week later, I experienced grief for the first time. Before Jake's death, I hadn’t been close to anyone who'd passed away, only knowing that heartache vicariously through others. But he was my brother. I miss his friendship every day.

The months preceding his death, God was teaching me the phrase, “Lord willing.” Like, “Lord willing, we'll have lunch Thursday,” or “If the Lord wills it, I’ll text you when I get home.” And as I grew into the habit of prefacing my future plans with His sovereignty, He taught me that sometimes He isn’t willing. Sometimes, our plans differ from His and we’re faced with this seemingly unbeatable thing and we have no idea what to do, but we have to keep our eyes on Him (2 Chronicles 20:12).

Two weeks before he died, my sister and I were discussing a song on the radio about God’s mercy in teaching and blessing us through painful circumstances. We both admitted to feeling like we’d never really suffered, like our faith hadn’t been truly tested, shaken (Hebrews 12:28). That night I prayed that He would bring tests along that would cause my truest nature to be made known. Apparently of that the Lord was willing.

I hope to show you the preparation that God has given me for "various trials" (1 Peter 1:6) so often in the past, a cycle He repeated in this circumstance. Not until recently did I see this cycle so clearly: I pray for something, He prepares me for His answer, He provides-- both the trial and the ability to endure. 

This time as preparation, we were given two things. The first was extra time with my brother-in-law. I am inexpressibly thankful for this. He was in medical school and therefore very busy. I typically only saw him once a week for a half hour before church in which we’d discuss a thousand things in rapid succession. But, the month leading up to his death was his school break. My sister got to travel a bit with him. The Lord worked it out for he and I to ride to a church 45 minutes away together, despite all my other attempted plans. I’ll forever cherish those times and those final conversations we got to have. Truly the Lord gives good gifts to His children (Matthew 7:11).

Second, He prepared us with the study of 1 Peter 1. The Bible study he and I were going to that was 45 minutes away was one we, my sister included, attended regularly. That month, the teaching was about 1 Peter, the “if necessary,” of being “grieved by various trials.” A few weeks after his death, my parents both sent me that same chapter, having separately been led to it when searching for comfort, not knowing the Lord had been using it already to comfort me and my sister. He united us in awe of Him, in trust and hope. He intertwined His answers, knitting our hearts together (Colossians 2:2) that we might lean on one another, "bearing each other's burdens" (Galatians 6:2). 

These were both combined with the myriad of past lessons in patience and trust, hope in disappointment, and the effects of speech on attitude and outlook. Most importantly, the lessons about His past actions and the proof of His nature by years of daily, personal study of His Word.

However, I feel this grief manifesting itself even today in many of my decisions. Subconsciously, I’m expecting all my plans to fall through and everything to change, until the very moment that it comes to fruition. Or I’ll turn my back on potential relationships because of a fear of giving myself to someone and losing them. Or I’m unable to plan anything that takes place in more than a few months, because I am hesitant to think I have that long. Or...etc.

Still, I often find that I am jealous for those times closely succeeding his death. Despite the ache and the sorrow, He kept me constant, He held me steady, and He graciously reminded me of Himself, of His power and His love and His kindness and His wisdom. Who He is shone so brightly to me in that time. I felt everything deeply, yet carried it lightly, constantly offering it again to God.

My faith was shaken but the Rock was steady. He anchored me with hope and joy.

I know that life can be overwhelming and that we face different things and feel different things in response to them. I do not pretend to be an expert by any means. But I know what the Lord has done for me (Psalm 66:8-16) and how He has taught me to react; I hope that you might be strengthened and encouraged to press on.

I had to remind myself over and over again-- through doubt or tears or numbness or anger or self-pity-- that my lot is secure; my portion steadfast (Psalm 16:5, etc.). My inheritance is “undefiled and unfading, kept in heaven for” me, as I, “by God’s power,” am “being guarded through faith” (1 Peter 1). My reward is immovable, for He has won it; indeed He has become it. He is the victory I need.

[Side note: Christianity isn't an undercover ploy of greed and pride that allows people to "believe" only enough to get them to Heaven when they die. Many church-goers function this way. Christianity is the teaching that, through His own suffering, Jesus has joined us in our suffering, giving it a hope and a purpose-- a God Who can both sympathize with human weakness and walk in divine power over sin and death. Eternal life is the continuation and deepening of fellowship with God, not some promise for gratification of the fleshly desires for admiration and selfish gain we pretended not to have while we served "others" on earth. He renews us in life by the power of the Spirit; He remakes us completely in death by the unveiled sight of His Son (2 Corinthians 3:18, 1 John 3:2).] 

There is always something about which to be grateful. He is always working. Over all things He is sovereign. "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose" (Romans 8:28). This isn't just a saying for a greeting card, this is a real, tested truth. Stop fearing your pain or your uncertainty; fear God. No suffering will meet you that has not been approved and reworked by a God of infinite understanding and kindness to make you better, to make you more like Jesus, "a man of sorrows, familiar with suffering" (Isaiah 53).

Remind yourself of this truth, even if it’s a moment by moment forgetting and recitation. Train yourself to perceive all things through the filter of the Word of God, the Truth of Jesus, and the Conviction of the Holy Spirit. You have to be willing and disciplined in each memory or new situation to speak it again.

To not get discouraged when you feel you’ve landed in the same place as you were before.

To not be a "hindrance" to yourself by "not setting your mind on the things of God, but on the things of man" (Matthew 16:23).

To not doubt that God has your best interest in mind.

To not allow yourself to feel entitled to bitterness or despair.

There is always hope, there is always forgiveness, you just have to look up (John 3:14). 

So if you find yourself at this moment in the grasp of great pain, do not be dismayed; it is likely the Lord has been working often to prepare you. Look back, take inventory of the training in various aspects of Godliness He has provided you with, and plunge ahead with renewed courage and thanksgiving. He has not left you alone, He will not leave you vulnerable. Fix your eyes, for He is leading you in this battle as the Head of the charge. The Death Conqueror is your King, your Defender, your Guide. What have you to fear but forgetting to look to that King and trust His orders? 

Find reinforced cover by seeking out Christian brothers and sisters to fight alongside you, listening to the comfort of those before you, looking for those in need of comfort behind you (2 Corinthians 1:3-7). Kneel behind that common shield of faith and skillfully wield it as protection from the efforts of the enemy. Trust the sword of the Word of Truth to find its targets. Cling to both with the strength found in the arms of the Creator God; "entrust your soul to" Him for He is faithful, and "do not grow weary of doing good" (Galatians 6:9). 

Keep hope in the Risen Lamb, Who from His doomed journey of certain death, returned to His throne in the light of eternal power, inexhaustible purity, and conquering grace.

What about you?

Have you lost someone close to you? What do remember most from that time of grief? What helpsyou to cope?

"Judge not, lest ye be judged."

I admit, at times I struggle to grasp a loving God allowing seemingly unloving things. But I know that cannot make me think: how cruel, how unfair, how could He? For this same concept was answered in Romans 9 thousands of years ago. "Who are you, O man, to answer back to God? Will what is molded say to its Molder, 'Why have You made me like this?'" And I know that isn't much comfort to most because it doesn't offer any explanation except that God is in control and He does what is best, even if we don't understand how. But God doesn't need us to make excuses for Him. 

Telling the world the equivalents of "He didn't mean it!" and "He didn't do it!" does not bring them closer to God. It attempts to remove God's sovereignty in order to prove His love. Why can both not exist, the Judge and the Sacrifice? True, they seem contradictory, but would you remove the mystery of the complex nature of God in order to convince people to become Christians?

And if you do, have you really convinced them to be Christians at all? Would it not rather be a continuation of man-centered thoughts, bowing them at the feet of an idol we've constructed as we're blown about by every wave and wind of teaching (Ephesians 4:14).

"But who would ever turn to a God that allows tragedy when He has the power to stop it?" But the Holy Spirit is promised. It is He Who renews our minds, so that we see clearly that pain is not a wrongdoing of God against poor, pitied man. Rather, as our Creator, He has the responsibility to reshape us, His malfunctioning creation, into working condition, and that is not without pain.

It is a mercy that He has allowed us to continue after our first glitch, our first sin, so we might turn to Him for repair. But instead of awe at the grace of it, we sit in our indignation, pouting and exclaiming that we were "born this way" and everyone should "love our flaws" (Read: expecting people to think you're wonderful when you act selfish and prideful. No. Hold yourself to the same standards you hold others to.).

The scary thing is, many apply this same principle to God. "If [He] doesn't accept me at my worst, then [He] doesn't deserve me at my best." And we ever-so-culturally-relevant Christians repackage that into church-acceptable vernacular, but we're spewing the same garbage. We say things like: Jesus ate with sinners and God is love and "judge not lest ye be judged." All true. But we leave out the context, the consequences of that love.

Most who use this as their message just want their audience to think, "Wow, how open-minded this lone diamond of a Christian is." We fight for "God's" reputation in an effort to bolster ours, and in so doing, we damage His and cover up truth.

By claiming God didn't mean all that "wrath stuff" in the Old Testament, or saying He doesn't have the final say over everything that happens, we side with unbelievers against the actions and goodness of God. We believe that those things are unfair, unjust.

We discredit Him, trying to release Him from the blame we place on His actions. "Sure God commanded Israel to kill people, but... it's different now. Look at Jesus instead!" But we can't properly look at Jesus until we linger in the actions of God in the Old Testament.

Why did He seem to change? What happened between Malachi and Matthew? Did God take a cosmic nap and get less grumpy?

We are told in the Bible that God doesn't change. His nature is constant; His actions are consistent with that nature. And we certainly didn't change. Mankind didn't suddenly become more lovable.

What changed is the focus of God's wrath.

When Jesus came to earth, He lived a perfect life. He was born into human nature yet held fast to holiness and purity, to His Father. And in the end, He became the object of God's wrath.

Did God not mean to give His perfect Son over to torture, rejection, abandonment, crucifixion, and then, eventually (finally) death? Did God have control over this terrible, wonderful thing?

We wouldn't dare say differently. There are too many verses where Jesus Himself declares it to be true.

Maybe we have an easier time believing it because it benefits us. 

God is love, Jesus did eat with sinners, and He even did say "judge not lest ye be judged." But we cannot ignore what followed.

First, Jesus ate with "sinners" not because they were sinners, but because they recognized their sin, the consequences of that sin, and the spectacular relief of Jesus saying, "Your sins are forgiven." He met with sinners, but He didn't let them leave as sinners. With a, "Go and sin no more," He commanded them to change their entire manner of life, means of income, living situations. He called them to do radically difficult, painful, costly things in His Name, motivating and empowering them with His mercy and kindness and later gifting them with the Holy Spirit as Guide.

Let's not forget Jesus ate with Pharisees, too, and He spent most of that time pronouncing really harsh judgments against them for their pride and greed and false worship.

In summation: Jesus didn't eat with sinners because He approved of their sin but because they recognized Christ as the remedy for it. 

Second, there's more to a verse than meets the public's eye. After Jesus tells them, "Judge not," He tells a parable about first removing the log that is in your eye. People like this quote, too, and leave off the last bit of that sentence, in which you then do remove the "speck that is in your brother's eye." Why is this left out? Because it's "offensive". But... how? Honestly? How is someone removing sawdust from your eye harmful, rude? Is it not helpful? And what sweet relief when it is gone!

Many Christians have been led to believe that you show love by withholding judgement. Here Jesus tells us to hold up our judgements to ourselves first, then to others. And it's not that I'm not allowed to hold someone accountable for lying because I have also lied in my lifetime. I can hold them accountable while allowing them to hold me accountable. 

Withholding judgement doesn't actually do any good, it just means you both walk around with crap in your eyes, and no one is willing to do anything about it because it will hurt for a few seconds. Don't confuse that temporary pain with unkindness or a lack of love.

1 Corinthians 5 does put a condition on this judgement. Paul says, "What have I to do with judging outsiders? Is it not those inside the church whom you are to judge? God judges those outside. 'Purge the evil person from among you.'" (P.S. When he says "purge," he is not calling for their murder, but their removal from the local church with hope for their return. As in, do not call them Christians while they intentionally reject the teachings of Christ, just as most practitioners of Islam reject "Radical" Islam as true Islam.)

So, it is our job, as Christians, to hold other Christians accountable. It is to be with the purpose of repentance and reconciliation, in the event of which we are then to "affirm our love for [them] so that [they] will not be overwhelmed with excessive sorrow" (2 Corinthians 2:7).

It is also our job to speak truth to those who are outside the church. To "judge" motivated by compassion, fear for the state of their souls because what God says is true. His Kingdom is real. It is eternal. His judgement is right, good, and just.

Every speech we read in Acts by one of the disciples leads in with the reality of the human condition. It isn't until the audience-- "cut to the heart"-- asks "What can we do?" (Acts 2) that they tell them of the forgiveness and freedom found by repenting and following Christ.

Maybe these Judge-Not Christians think they are saying, "You're wrong, but I'm not going to turn my back on you. I am going to tell you of the hope that is found in Christ."

I pray that's what they are saying.

But I have seen too many church leaders speak only of love, to the point of becoming not only tolerant of sin in the church, but, in the air of culture, applauding it. Like "Wow, we're so real," and then they're sitting around admiring everyone's willingness to share their sin. Then, if not careful, making light of their sin. Then doing nothing to change it, finding excuse and comfort in solidarity. This is why Galatians 6:1 is written.

Many look around at their churches and think, "Wow, so many fake Christians," not realizing they are the ones who make it that way-- disciples not of Jesus but of an easier imitation of the call of Christ, one that requires little more than Sunday attendance and a few hand-raising renditions of shallow songs. We make them feel better about themselves by telling them how loved they are, how blessed they are, how God answers prayer.

But what of the topics that make us squirm a little and avert our eyes so no one catches us looking guilty? Or talking about the commands of God, the sacrifices of worldly pleasure and attitude and worries, that He asks of us?

It is dangerous when we don't care enough about our congregation to notice, let alone to say, "Hey, I know you're struggling. I want to see you do the right thing. I want to help you, because I know it's difficult." If we don't preach the life of a true follower of Christ, why subject themselves to a charade of piety every Sunday?

This is why so many people stop going to church, why so many think Christianity is a hypocritical farce.  Not because we don't "love" enough, but because we aren't loving correctly. When we water the Gospel down, we offer the same "love" found in the world, but with extra stipulations and an air of self-righteousness. It's not sustainable. And it isn't truth. God's love is unconditional, and it is also life-changing. It demands everything from us, and it is worth it all.

Love people with the love of God, not with the love of the world. Only one will last. 

It comes down to this:

If someone is outside the church and makes no claim to follow Christ, it is your responsibility to speak truth in love with gentleness and respect and to inform him of the Gospel of the finished work of Christ. But we can't get angry at someone or mock them or cut someone off for not upholding the commands of a God they either don't believe in or couldn't care less about. Do we really think that we would choose to do any differently? If so, we are the ones who need a reminder of the Gospel, that we were once "dead in our trespasses and sins" (Ephesians 2:1) until Jesus literally had to die and come back to life in order for us to have the ability to follow Christ. We do not have the power to obey on our own, only through the Holy Spirit. Unbelievers do not have the power nor the motivation to obey a God they do not love.

However, if someone is sitting in the pew next to you, week after week, claiming to be a Christian, it is your responsibility to speak truth in love with gentleness and respect, to hold them accountable to the Word of God, to point them to the Gospel of the finished work of Christ, to "forgive and comfort them, so that they will not be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow." Where opinion differs or understanding wavers, defer to the Bible, the truth that has been passed down for thousands of years without shifting its message for shifty human perception. It is your duty-- as a fellow Christian, to the Church, and to God Himself-- to hold that believer accountable to the knowledge and commands of God.

A One Year Anniversary

"When we pray to be sanctified, are we prepared to face the standard of these verses? We take the term sanctification much too lightly. Are we prepared for what sanctification will cost? It will cost an intense narrowing of all our interests on earth, and an immense broadening of our interests in God. Sanctification means intense concentration on God's point of view. It means every power of body, soul and spirit chained and kept for God's purpose only. Are we prepared for God to do in us all that He separated us for?... Sanctification means being made one with Jesus so that the disposition that ruled Him will rule us. Are we prepared for what that will cost? It will cost everything that is not of God in us." -Oswald Chambers.

It’s hard for me to believe it’s been a year since my brother-in-law went home to be with the Lord. I’ve seen such beauty in the grace and goodness and providence of the Lord. Jesus has proven Himself to be the joy and stronghold in the stormy night for me, my sister, and our families. The storm has rained down grief and sorrow, but it has only served to water the ground of grace, founded in the Gospel of Christ, bringing forth praise!

It's been a difficult path, one that we hadn’t intended to walk, but God, in His infinite wisdom, led us on that way. I am thankful for His grace that kept my feet upon His narrow path, and I am thankful, in Him, for the path itself. It took time for me to be able to say, by grace, that because of the sovereignty and kindness of God, I am thankful for the life and timing of the death of Jacob.

Charles Spurgeon has said, “There is an essential difference between the decease of the Godly and the death of the unGodly. Death comes to the unGodly man as a penal infliction, but to the righteous as a summons to his Father's palace. To the sinner it is an execution, to the saint an undressing from his sins and infirmities. Death to the wicked is the King of terrors. Death to the saint is the end of terrors, the commencement of glory.”

So, for my brother, I rejoice. And I rejoice, too, at the promise in Christ that I will one day join him. What grace! And what grace it is to be able to see in a heavenly perspective the death of those who “fall asleep in Jesus” to soon be “raised imperishable...in glory...in power” (1 Thessalonians 4:14; 1 Corinthians 15).

I think of Jake every day. I am reminded of him-- his mannerisms, his laugh, his list of things to tell me on Wednesday nights. His honesty and care were something I happily experienced much of, and it was one of the first things I missed about him after he went Home. I miss him. I couldn’t have asked for a better brother-in-law.

He was an answer to so many of my parents' prayers, an answer that went above and beyond their hopes for their oldest daughter. From observation, he was an excellent husband. His leadership and love for my sister shaped my ideas of Biblical marriage in a very beautiful way. His pursuit of Diana, her joyful submission to him as he submitted himself to God all graciously portrayed the Gospel. As a fellow believer and as a sister, I appreciated it more than I knew.

My parents eagerly adopted him into our family, treating him as their own son. I quickly adopted the idea of him as my brother. For five years, I watched Jake become a part of my family, and for the past year I’ve seen his death affect each of us in a different, but equally beautiful way. Both periods of time were designed by God to accomplish His good and kind-- even when painful-- purposes, which are common to all “who love Him” (Romans 8:28). I've come to see that God has a wide range of comforts that He lavishly gives as we come to rest in Him.

There are expectations placed on us as we grieve. It can be difficult to separate what people say we should be feeling or doing from how we really are. It can make it even more difficult to, by grace, “not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God” and remain daily in the Word, speaking Its truth to my heart and “taking captive each thought to make it obedient to Him” (Philippians 4:13; 2 Corinthians 10:5). To allow God to take care of what my feelings accomplish.

Shortly after his death, I wrote these words:

“I pray that we all would rejoice in the will of God, praise the Name of God, and trust in the perfect character of God. His plans have been firmly established since the beginning of time and there is nothing that can happen apart from Him. And He is GOOD all the time; all the time, He is good!...There hasn't been an hour gone by that I haven't thought of him, yearned with great pain to talk to him again. I hurt. A pain so deep and severe that I've never known before. Please, God, sustain me! Where is my hope in this grieving? Am I grieving as the world does? Were my love true and real, for God and for Jacob, wouldn't I be rejoicing for his current and now eternal state? May I never forget Your goodness and worth! There is much pain in the night, but joy comes in the Lord! So as my tears continue to flow, may I never forget the blood that flowed out of much deeper pain, but equal sovereignty-- this blood that redeemed my life, that bought Jake an innocent verdict and a warm welcome as He stood before our Creator and Judge. 

What a comfort to know that the Lord has as much wisdom and care in the plans for each part of our lives as He did in planning His eternal redemption through His Son! May I continue to grow in the values and characteristics Jake complimented (or corrected) in me as he applied Your Word to the world around him. May Your Word be my guide, the lens I see through. For there is nothing else of worth and no higher calling than to be called and made a child of the Most High God. May these tears lead only to Your Throne and to Your feet in service. May I not neglect the pain of others in the anguish of my heart. And though he is currently the most commonly occurring thought and the most desired friend, may he not become to me more precious than You. Please keep me from earthly thoughts, from such lowly expectations and imaginings of Your Kingdom. Though You crush me, yet will I praise You (Job 13:15). Praise the sovereign, wise, matchless, worthy, loving Father, Son, and Holy Spirit! Maranatha (Lord, come quickly)!”

Now, a year later, I read these words and I feel that pain, but I feel also the sweetness so intricately intertwined within it.

I can look back and see the purposes of the Lord in Jake’s death. Not all, but some-- as many as He's allowed me to see. I sense the presence of the Lord hovering over this past year, intimately tending to each hurt and question of my heart. I saw Him do the same for so many others.

God often seemed quiet, even distant at times But through that I came to know even more assuredly that His promises are not based upon my thoughts or circumstances, but on His unchanging, always faithful and true nature; that His words and commands, as written in His Word, are “holy and righteous and good” (Romans 7:12); that every pain and every joy in His will are “good, pleasing, and perfect” because, though it may be difficult at times to see, “in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose” (Romans 12:2; Romans 8:28).

Truly He works for our good and joy as He seeks His own glory! His exaltation is our highest joy. And God is so greatly exalted when the saints rejoice in suffering. It is this walking “by faith and not by sight," this heavenly mindset that says “this world is not my home” and “this earth has nothing I desire besides You” that lifts our eyes-- and the eyes of the world watching us-- up to the Lord, Who reigns sovereign, His worth steady and high above our circumstances (2 Corinthians 5:7; Hebrews 13:14, NLT; Psalm 73:25).

As we made our way to Gainesville to meet my sister and his family, the Lord brought me to Psalm 97-103, particularly the words “Rejoice in the Lord, O you righteous, and give thanks to His holy Name... know that the Lord, He is God! It is He Who made us, and we are His." And this is great cause to rejoice in Him!

We are His; we belong to Him. He commands our steps, our first and final breaths. And when one of those whom He has claimed as His own is taken to His side, we cannot think we have been robbed, that perhaps that particular saint was ours first and the Lord’s second. In fact, it is the very opposite which causes us to see death in a clearer, brighter lens: We belong first to the Lord, and whatever He does, He does because “as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are [His] ways higher than our ways and [His] thoughts than our thoughts” (Isaiah 55:8-9), because He is so much wiser and more wonderful than we are, and because His plans are filled to the brim with His grace and kindness and goodness.

So we must breathe in and out the words of 1 Samuel 3:18: “He is the Lord, let Him do what is good in His eyes,” His loving, perfect, all-seeing eyes.

5 Lessons from Spiritual Drought

“For he will be like a tree planted by the water,

That extends its roots by a stream

And will not fear when the heat comes;

But its leaves will be green,

And it will not be anxious in a year of drought

Nor cease to yield fruit."

Three years ago, the Lord brought this verse daily to my mind. As I meditated on it one night, I sensed that the Lord was using it to prepare me for the time of drought that He was leading me into. In my pride, I was all about it. I was ready. Excited, even. Just days later, my once intimate relationship with the Lord seemed veiled. He seemed distant; my time in the Word seemed shallow, just enough to keep me alive that day. Worship was painful. Hollow words sung by a troubled heart. My prayers once filled with love and delight instead were timidly spoken as though to one with whom I was hardly acquainted.

I began to worry. Satan began to speak so many things to me. Instead of the voice of the Lord telling me He was bringing me to this place, Satan told me I wandered here on my own. Eventually I believed him. I grew tired trying to find my way back with no success. This brought more lies. My own works, my own strength. Where is the God I once walked with so intimately? What did I do to get here?

I became angry with myself; tired to the point of despair. I have so much sorrow in my heart (Psalm 13). Am I saved? I feel lonely and broken and wretched. I miss Him. Surely "I am a worm and not a man" (Psalm 22:6), a" brute beast" (Psalm 73:22) before the Righteous Judge, Who judges impartially each according to his deeds (1 Peter 1:17). Surely my fate is condemnation! Or else, where is this "joy in my salvation" (Psalm 13:5)? This "ever-present help in trouble" (Psalm 46:1)?

"How long, O Lord? Will You forget me forever?

How long will You hide Your face from me?

How long must I wrestle with my thoughts

and every day have sorrow in my heart?

How long will my enemy triumph over me?"

But in the midst of my feelings, and honestly my despair of self (2 Corinthians 1:8), the Lord is accomplishing His purposes. He brought me here. He led me into this place of drought. He warned me. And how quick was I to believe the lies!

Yet, His purposes overcame, His promises stood, even when I didn't see it.

To be honest, I still have a hard time seeing it. None of these things are truly in the past for me, and I continue to struggle with these thoughts. For the past year, almost daily, I've questioned if I am truly saved. Like, what else would explain this? Or I must be unrepentantly living in sin for Him to seem so distant and for my mind to be so dull in understanding His Scriptures and ways, for this long. And if I'm living in unconfessed sin that's kept the Lord at bay for 3 years... still saved? 1 John says no. I only have one logical conclusion...

"Look on me and answer, O Lord my God.

Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;

my enemy will say, 'I have overcome him,'

and my foes will rejoice when I fall."

Ah, but the Lord is greatly to be praised!

1 Samuel 3:18 states it well: "He is the Lord, let Him do what is right in His eyes." And He will. And that is assuredly for our good! For while my strength fails, He accomplished His will. He is faithful to do as He has planned all along. This 3-year journey, which still continues, is not without fruit:

Conviction of sin. In the midst of my own failing strength, I came to see my limitations. I came out of a place of abundance, of great grace and intimacy. My favorite verse was about my Maker being my Husband (Isaiah 54:5). I rejoiced in His love. But I felt so special. I constantly compared myself to the people around me and saw God's grace in sustaining my obedience as something to take pride in. Yet there I was, flattering myself too much to detect and hate my own sin (Psalm 36:2), while constantly crying out to be made holy. I was a lot like the Pharisees, comparing myself to others and thinking I come out on top. This time of thirst has brought intense introspection, and I praise God, "for I know my transgressions, and my sin is ever before me," (Psalm 51) yet He is teaching me to constantly remember His Son. For "purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean; wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow." By His blood, I have life. In His death and resurrection, I walk before the Lord in His favor, as a son and co-heir with Christ, empowered to live in a manner worthy of that inheritance and calling (Ephesians 4:1).

Trust. As I mentioned earlier, my time in the Word seemed only enough for the day. And I believe that was intentional. "Give us this day our daily bread" (Exodus 16, Matthew 6:11). A lesson, every day, to trust. To believe Him at His Word. He is faithful to do as He says. He's been showing me that I often seek answers and understanding, instead of following Him each moment. But "we walk by faith, and not by sight" (2 Corinthians 5:7). I don't need to know anything about my circumstances for the rest of my life in order to trust God. Because sometimes He doesn't explain anything. Sometimes He doesn't make our decisions clear, but He does lead us in His paths for His Name's sake (Psalm 23:3). Every step we take is sovereignly guided by the "Shepherd and Overseer of my soul" (1 Peter 2:25).

Discipline (by grace). This also applies to my time in the Bible these past 3 years. I can't explain to you the amount of times I've read His words in tears, not because It is "sharper than any two-edged sword", but because It didn't feel "living and active" at all (Hebrews 4:12). Because my mind didn't seem to be illuminated to the Scripture and the words written were the only ones I heard, and sometimes even they made little sense. And yet, by grace, He has kept me consistently in the precious pages of the revelation of His character and His plan for redemption and sanctification. This has proven invaluable to the sustaining of my faith and of my obedience to Him. This daily bread, given at His determining, has preserved my life.

Saved to a community and Body of believers. Before this season, I'd write paragraphs full of thoughts and prayers reading even just one verse. Nowadays, I'm happy to understand what is written. I do think this is largely due to the fact that I didn't share what I learned (but also to remind me that it's not anything about me, it's His grace that allows me to learn and to hear). I thought, once again, that I was special and that this understanding was for me, for my own relationship with Him. But He has taught me that my faith, His lessons, His gifts, everything He does is for the building up of the Body, that together, by "speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into Him Who is the Head" (Ephesians 4:15). For "if we are comforted, it is for your comfort" (2 Corinthians 1:6), not just our own. He has not allowed me to continue to think so selfishly without conviction.

I am thankful.

"But I trust in Your unfailing love;

my heart rejoices in Your salvation.

I will sing to the Lord,

for He has been good to me."

He has done so much. And though His promises are not always fulfilled the way we expect them to be, we can be no less assured that He is keeping them. He is always "Faithful and True" (Revelation 19:11). And He is in the process of doing much more. He is making me not only a hearer, but a doer of His Word-- that my conviction would lead to "bearing fruit in keeping with repentance" (James 1:25, Matthew 3:8).

"For You, O God, have tested us, You have tried us like silver. You brought us into the net; You laid a crushing burden on our backs; You let men ride over our heads; we went through fire and through water; yet You have brought us out to a place of abundance" (Psalm 66:10-12).

At times my weakness throughout this trial makes me feel "so utterly burdened beyond my strength that I despair of life itself. Indeed, I felt that I had received the sentence of death. But that was to make me rely not on myself but on God Who raises the dead." (2 Corinthians 1:8-9). "Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!" (Romans 7:24). "In this I rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, I have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of my faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is refined by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ" (1 Peter 1:6-7). Therefore, "return to rest once more, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you. For [He has] delivered my soul from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling; that I may walk before the Lord in the land of the living" (Psalm 116:7-9).

When God's Timing Confuses You

"...Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me."

I'm not sure I have much to say-- at least maybe not directly pertaining to Israel and the time we've had here-- but I think I do have much to say (truly... be warned about the length of this post) about the TIMING of being here and the God Who wisely and sovereignly orchestrated it. 

As most of you know, my brother-in-law was called Home a month and 5 days ago, and Olivia and I left a little over a week after that. I've mulled over this decision many times, wondering if this was right, if it really was the best decision, and the nights where I feel the most grief I think maybe not. But it's a very good thing that my feelings don't dictate truth. They don't always even indicate it. God dictates truth. So while I often feel maybe it would be nice to be home, I know that this was the will of God for me to be here, because it happened and God is sovereign. Nothing I do can happen unless He says it can happen-- just as in Job 1:6-12, God tells Satan to ask Him to test Job, and then He gives the permission for it to happen. If God has power even over the actions of His enemy, why would we think any differently about His sovereignty over us, His people?

Here now, in my room in Israel, I'm thinking over the past few weeks so far. They've been filled with exploring, organizing, CD-making, book-selling, and falafel. We've had little opportunity (well, there's people everywhere, so I don't know if I can really say this) to share the Gospel, but we have been aiding in this ministry's sharing of the Gospel.

Unfortunately, with the lack of speaking the Gospel to others, I think I have also fallen out of the habit of speaking it to myself. I can't lie, my heart lately has felt burdened and tired, like maybe this faith in me is not true after all or maybe my initial joy and peace really was (as I feared people thinking) just me not accepting the facts that someone I love very very dearly and looked up to so much would no longer be available for conversation, advice, Bible-interpretation, brotherly love and friendship, laughs, or, more importantly, partnership for my sister. However, (!!!) he instead has attained the goal for which he was running-- the salvation of his soul.

Those of us still here, though now for a little while are grieved by this and other various trials, which test the genuineness of our faith in order to bring praise, glory, and honor to God at the revelation of Jesus Christ, rejoice in the future hope of our own departure to be with Christ (1 Peter 1, Philippians 1:23).

In this time and the many times to follow, may I never forget the atoning blood that flowed out of even deeper pain, but equal sovereignty-- this blood that redeemed my life, that bought Jacob his innocent verdict and a warm welcome as he stood before our Creator and Judge. What a comfort to know that the Lord has as much wisdom and care in the plans for each part of our lives as He did in planning His eternal redemption through His Son. May I never forget His goodness and worth! There is deep pain in the night, but joy, true joy, comes in the LORD, not just in the morning!

I was talking (well...typing) with my sister the other day and talking about how wise God is and how foolish we are, thinking so often that Jake's death disrupted our plans for our future, when they were just that: our plans. God's plans remain firmly in place, and have since the beginning of time. We think now the future is so uncertain... but how silly! for when did we ever know our future? We know as much now as we did before, it's just that the plans of our heart had different circumstances to work with at the time. These have been God's plans from the beginning, and they are good. May our faith be found genuine, our trust be found in Christ! By grace alone can we continue to stand, despite our weaknesses!

I feel much more acquainted with this weakness lately. Acquainted much more closely than I'd like to be, but I think that is a great lesson from this. My weakness, my utter helplessness without His power and grace and joy and peace. I forget Philippians 4 says that while I'm making my prayer and supplication in everything, I am to do so with thanksgiving! "Thanksgiving?" you may ask. "For what?" For Isaiah 55:8-9. For Philippians 2:13. For Ephesians 1:13-14. For Genesis 1:1. For John 19:30. For everything God is, does, says, wills. There is, in fact, nothing that we shouldn't thank God for! All things He works together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28).

Just the good and happy things? No. I don't see that anywhere in the Bible. I see "all things", which, I'm sure, if you look in the Greek, at the cultural context, each of the cross-references, they will all come to one conclusion: ALL things. Everything. Happy and heart-wrenching alike. Do you doubt this?

Sometimes my actions confirm that I doubt. When I doubt, I'm doubting not only the Holy Bible, but also the Holy God Who wrote it. Job 2:10: "Shall we receive good from God, and shall we not receive adversity?" Job 1:21: "The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the Name of the Lord."

The Holy Spirit confirms that this doubt is sin. In those times, I must seek His face and heart and will. I must repent and submit and rejoice, thanking Him that as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are His ways and thoughts higher than mine (Isaiah 55:8-9) and that, because He is perfect in wisdom and power, He doesn't allow my (short-sighted) plans to happen. 

Is that always a natural reaction? Heck no. Does that make it any less required? Also, no. "Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God-- through Jesus Christ our Lord!" (Romans 7:24).

So... while I am still in mourning, I am being taught to be constant in rejoicing and content in Christ. When Jake was born, Who ordained it? When Jake met and married my sister and became a part of my family, Who brought it together? When Jake died, Who ordered it to be so? God. He is always on the throne in Heaven; may He be always on the throne in my heart, soul, mind and strength.

Oh how I've been learning the dissatisfaction of this world and the value of Christ! Though I've been feeling home-sick, wanting to be with my family, my sister, my friends, my church...even more than that He's creating in me a Home-sickness that is centered around His Heaven, my true Home, His presence forever! He has made Psalm 73:25 my cry.

Though perhaps I do not feel as close to my Creator, my Sustainer, my Salvation, my Comforter, my Joy, and my Strength as I would like, I know His character, I know His Word, and I know that both of those confirm that He is here, He is working, He is healing, and He is sanctifying. This process is often painful but still pleasant, because we know the end result: 1 John 3:2-3, which tells us we shall be made like Him for we shall see Him as He is. So, the end result? Glorification. Total conformation to the image of the Son. No more sin. No more desire to sin. Christ. To die is great gain!

"He can do all things, and no purpose of His can be stopped. He is our God. And because He is our God, even when we don't have our questions answered, even when we don't know the purpose, we can have hope and we can have rest and we can even have joy, because He is Who He is and we belong to Him. At the heart of it is knowing Who God is and knowing Who is God. He is God and because He is God, that is enough." -Stephen Rummage

My mind knows truth, and I must remind myself of these Truths, to "take captive every thought to make it obedient to Him" so that my faulty flesh will follow my corrected thoughts (2 Corinthians 10:5). Please pray that I would not allow my feelings to dictate what I believe, but that truth would dictate my feelings!

God is wise. He is moving. He will not yield His glory to another.
He is sovereign over salvation. He will not yield His glory to another.
His plans are right, good, exciting.
He's perfect, atoning, alive.
He is Messiah, His Word incorruptible, His body unable to be contained in the grave.
His Kingdom advancing. His Gospel proclaiming. His plans succeeding.
He will not yield His glory to another.

“Worthy is the Lamb Who was slain, to receive power and wealth and wisdom and might and honor and glory and blessing!...Amen! Blessing and glory and wisdom and thanksgiving and honor and power and might be to our God forever and ever! Amen."

Amen. MARANATHA.