June 27, 2018: 7 Years Later

Didn't really have time until now to sit and really think about today. 7 years ago we lost someone very dear to us. I miss Jake. He was a brother I loved, a friend I treasured, a teacher I respected. I thank God for the years we had with him.

The months following tragedy are often engulfed in feelings of disbelief, disappointment, confusion, anger, and fear. There are times when everything feels surreal, and times when deep realization crashes into you, knocking you over again. Sometimes it's hard to believe tomorrow will come, and, honestly, do you really want it to?

In the Old Testament, the Lord spoke about farming cycles for the Israelite's crops, giving the land rest every 7th year. My family was thrown into a new land, a new way of life, in 2011. Years pass, and in some ways, you grow comfortable. You feel acclimated. You begin to lose sight of how God provided for you in the beginning of it.

This 7th year has been one of drought for me. Nothing seemed to grow, and I felt constantly at the end of myself. Spiritually I didn't feel like I had anything to offer. But as it comes to a close, I reflect again on new beginnings. On God's provision. His care. His intentionality.

He planned this path for me. Just as He called Israel to do, He brought me into a fallow year. Looking over the past 7 years, I see His hand keeping me, guiding me, being so so kind to me. Looking ahead, I pray I walk in thankfulness and wisdom and love.

We are so quick to forget. We start to rely on ourselves and think silly thoughts that lead us away from God because we're distracted by things that seem great in the moment but leave us feeling like we're missing something.

But even when we run after other things, God is faithful. This year has reminded me that I cannot be a Christian without leaning, at every moment, on Christ. Yet through pain, through forgetfulness, through disobedience, God leads His children. He loves them. He forgives them. He gives them rest.

I'm Gonna be an Actress, Mom

The words every parent fears, and no parent of the shyest person on earth expects to hear.

Okay, I’m not going to pretend that I haven’t considered running away and not telling anyone where or why. In fact I’m thinking about it right now. One last chance, Alyssa. But I won’t. I can do this. I can tell you.

I have been fearing this moment for a long while.

But, it’s time.

And this time it isn’t a hacked status.

I’m moving.

I am set to graduate from USF in December. I’ve told a lot of people that my career plans following graduation involve personal budgeting and financial advising. And that’s true. Don’t feel lied to. But that’s not my main goal. More like a side job or hobby.

The real plan is to move to LA in March 2017.

(Edit: to say I moved instead to Atlanta in November 2018...)

See, last semester I took an acting class. (Pause for laughter) I know, it’s hilarious. Me, acting. Me, in front of people. Me, being the center of attention. It's okay; I see the humor too. I know. 

What I didn’t know was a sense of legitimacy. Look, I’ve been thinking about acting for decades but only recently learned that I could be serious. I mean, acting is a dream for kids before they discover the real world, right? But this past semester I got to know about 15 other people with the same thoughts I was having: I think about this every day; I have to at least try. And we had a teacher that told us it was possible, that gave lots of practical advice, that has put the effort in and found a way to do what he loves to do and make a living of it.

I “got” my first on-camera acting job as an extra in a local movie about two months ago. I showed up 30 minutes early and was promoted to having my first on-camera speaking role (okay, so it was one line). I emailed them, said thanks, and thought that was goodbye. A month later, they posted that they were looking for interns. So now I’m PAing on set and trying to learn everything I can now so I can implement it later on when we start filming for a web series I’m working on in August.

I tell you all of that to say I love this. I don’t care if it’s getting water bottles for everyone, wiping up fake blood from surrounding areas, or talking to people during breaks, there’s something that just feels right. And it feels like me. And it’s weird because, I'm not Bollywood dancing around set or anything, but I don’t feel shy. And that doesn’t make sense. I walked off set at the end of that first day and realized I had one-on-one conversations with 80% of the people there and it wasn’t even forced upon me. I started some of them. And if you have known me for any length of time in basically any other context, you know that’s weird.

Everyone I’ve met has given me greater drive or encouraged me by telling me I can do it, that I’m making the right decisions and taking the right steps to get where I want to go– legitimacy.

I hope that this post and the conversations it will probably lead to will help me to solidify that sense of legitimacy. It can be a real goal and not just a fairy tale answer to, “If you could be anything in the world, what would you be?” Because acting, directing, and producing head that list (followed by Astronaut, Medical Researcher, Writer, Financial Planner, Architect, Small Business Owner, Archaeologist, Woodworker, Diagnostician, etc...).

I know I’m guilty of thinking that what some people call “God’s plan” is really just their way of getting other people to stop arguing with them about their plan. Who can argue with God, right? So believe me when I say I’ve been really cautious in deeming this as “God’s plan” instead of just something I really want to do.

But maybe those things aren’t mutually exclusive. I am a Christian, I read the Bible, I try to train myself to yield to the Holy Spirit in small, everyday situations. With those making up the basis of my decision-making for the past 15 years of being a Christian, my will and God’s will shouldn’t be that different. So here’s to hoping.

The people I’ve told so far have been surprisingly supportive and every time I think about it, I have this rush of affection for them all. I’m thankful to have such good friends. Or at least friends that are used to me being convinced and weirdly convincing about unconventional future plans (read: refusing to go to college for two years, believing I’d marry Joe Jonas, nearly moving to Israel). Either way, thank you.

So, just some practical answers to possible questions from everyone else.

1. “But the entertainment world is so 'secular'. I don’t think it’s a good idea.”

I have a better idea than running in fear: prayer and accountability. Don’t tell me it’s going to be difficult in order to discourage me; tell me in order to strengthen me. If you think it’s going to be difficult, me being surrounded by unbelief and its corresponding behavior, don’t tell me not to go– pray for me! Talk about the Bible with me. Hold me accountable for decisions you see me making that do not exemplify Christ.

I also think it’s funny that no one tells me to be careful or tries to convince me not to get a job in Finance. Like, I’ve faced incredible temptation to become greedy and manipulative and selfish and fearful and I haven’t even graduated yet. But no one is like, “Hey, be careful. Satan might steal you away.” They’re just like, “Oh, so you like math?” Why are people so much more afraid or pessimistic about my salvation when I tell them about acting than when I tell them about Finance? Do not both have the capacity to lead me astray? Should not all be careful, all be alert, all be on guard?

Many times over the years I thought I was going to move to a foreign country to be a missionary, or go to seminary to be a leader in girl’s youth ministry, or write books. I want you to know that I look at going into the entertainment industry as becoming a missionary, as going into ministry, and as being given a platform from which to write books that reaches more than the 4 or so people that see this post. I don’t see this decision as anything less than an occupation in which I am devoted to God and His will for me. (You can read my take on the difference between “holy” and “common” occupations here.)

Anyway, I know that somehow someone going to a nation that has never heard of Christ seems more “Christian” than going to a city of a bunch of rich, famous people. I know it seems more “Christian” to be in physical danger out in the savannas of Africa than in spiritual danger from the comfort of Los Angeles. But it’s not.

And it may sound like Christian advice to tell me to keep my distance from unbelievers, but it isn’t. It may be well-intended, but it is still wrong. Tell me to “keep watch on myself”, yes, but do not seek to prevent me from doing what I, through more than two years of prayer and planning, believe God wants me to do, lest "you have in mind the things of man and not the things of God.”  For Christ is in me and He has overcome the world. He has beaten death. He has said no to every sin of every person that He came in contact with on earth. And His Spirit lives inside me, helping me to do the same. I believe in the power of the resurrection. Do you?

2. “But the entertainment world is so difficult to get into. You’re going to starve to death.”

I know there’s a lot of competition. I know in movies the 35-year old wannabe actor has a midlife crisis and decides to do other things because their spouse thinks they’re lazy and their kids need better schooling. But I don’t have any of those responsibilities and I don’t plan to for a very long time. All I have to do is make sure I have food and shelter and I’m good. So let me try to do something I enjoy. Why do you want me to suffer, to die a little inside every day forcing myself to a job I hate just because it has a stable income? I’ve tried prioritizing stability but all it’s taught me is that I want to like going to work. I don’t think that’s laziness or naivity.

Also thanks for the vote of confidence... I sincerely hope when you tell people about your future plans, they don’t doubt your ability to carry them out and tout their pessimism as being “realistic”.

Why not work hard? Why not make it happen?

Why not me?

People have this subconscious way of thinking that unless a stranger walks up to them on the street and offers them their dream job, it could never happen. They aren’t willing to put themselves in situations where being offered that job would be even slightly more likely. Instead people give up on things before they begin because somewhere along the way someone doubted them. And they’ve internalized that disappointment so much that now they cast that same doubt on everyone else’s dreams as soon as they hear them.

But I’m not so easily dissuaded. 

3. “But the entertainment world is going to be new to you. What if you hate it?”

There is that chance. It is new, but I’ve been working on a few things already. Like I said, I’ve been auditioning, I’ve been working on set for the past month, for several months co-writing a web series that’ll be out next year, Lord willing.

If I hate it, I hate it. I stand behind my decisions to take chances and try, to invest my time and money in something I care about and believe will be sanctifying and good, to trust that God can do impossible things if He wants to. Because I do– I care. I believe. I trust.

I will regret it forever if I do not try.

All of these add up to a lot of time and work, but they’ve served to further convince me that this is possible and this is fun. So maybe I’ll hate it, but gosh you hypotheticals are all such pessimists and maybe I’ll love it with all my heart and be incredibly happy.

June 27, 2015.

Four years and one week ago, my brother-in-law and I were standing around talking about my going to Israel for six weeks-- that he and my sister would come over to have breakfast the day I left, cutting short his planned camping trip the night before. A week later, I experienced grief for the first time. Before Jake's death, I hadn’t been close to anyone who'd passed away, only knowing that heartache vicariously through others. But he was my brother. I miss his friendship every day.

The months preceding his death, God was teaching me the phrase, “Lord willing.” Like, “Lord willing, we'll have lunch Thursday,” or “If the Lord wills it, I’ll text you when I get home.” And as I grew into the habit of prefacing my future plans with His sovereignty, He taught me that sometimes He isn’t willing. Sometimes, our plans differ from His and we’re faced with this seemingly unbeatable thing and we have no idea what to do, but we have to keep our eyes on Him (2 Chronicles 20:12).

Two weeks before he died, my sister and I were discussing a song on the radio about God’s mercy in teaching and blessing us through painful circumstances. We both admitted to feeling like we’d never really suffered, like our faith hadn’t been truly tested, shaken (Hebrews 12:28). That night I prayed that He would bring tests along that would cause my truest nature to be made known. Apparently of that the Lord was willing.

I hope to show you the preparation that God has given me for "various trials" (1 Peter 1:6) so often in the past, a cycle He repeated in this circumstance. Not until recently did I see this cycle so clearly: I pray for something, He prepares me for His answer, He provides-- both the trial and the ability to endure. 

This time as preparation, we were given two things. The first was extra time with my brother-in-law. I am inexpressibly thankful for this. He was in medical school and therefore very busy. I typically only saw him once a week for a half hour before church in which we’d discuss a thousand things in rapid succession. But, the month leading up to his death was his school break. My sister got to travel a bit with him. The Lord worked it out for he and I to ride to a church 45 minutes away together, despite all my other attempted plans. I’ll forever cherish those times and those final conversations we got to have. Truly the Lord gives good gifts to His children (Matthew 7:11).

Second, He prepared us with the study of 1 Peter 1. The Bible study he and I were going to that was 45 minutes away was one we, my sister included, attended regularly. That month, the teaching was about 1 Peter, the “if necessary,” of being “grieved by various trials.” A few weeks after his death, my parents both sent me that same chapter, having separately been led to it when searching for comfort, not knowing the Lord had been using it already to comfort me and my sister. He united us in awe of Him, in trust and hope. He intertwined His answers, knitting our hearts together (Colossians 2:2) that we might lean on one another, "bearing each other's burdens" (Galatians 6:2). 

These were both combined with the myriad of past lessons in patience and trust, hope in disappointment, and the effects of speech on attitude and outlook. Most importantly, the lessons about His past actions and the proof of His nature by years of daily, personal study of His Word.

However, I feel this grief manifesting itself even today in many of my decisions. Subconsciously, I’m expecting all my plans to fall through and everything to change, until the very moment that it comes to fruition. Or I’ll turn my back on potential relationships because of a fear of giving myself to someone and losing them. Or I’m unable to plan anything that takes place in more than a few months, because I am hesitant to think I have that long. Or...etc.

Still, I often find that I am jealous for those times closely succeeding his death. Despite the ache and the sorrow, He kept me constant, He held me steady, and He graciously reminded me of Himself, of His power and His love and His kindness and His wisdom. Who He is shone so brightly to me in that time. I felt everything deeply, yet carried it lightly, constantly offering it again to God.

My faith was shaken but the Rock was steady. He anchored me with hope and joy.

I know that life can be overwhelming and that we face different things and feel different things in response to them. I do not pretend to be an expert by any means. But I know what the Lord has done for me (Psalm 66:8-16) and how He has taught me to react; I hope that you might be strengthened and encouraged to press on.

I had to remind myself over and over again-- through doubt or tears or numbness or anger or self-pity-- that my lot is secure; my portion steadfast (Psalm 16:5, etc.). My inheritance is “undefiled and unfading, kept in heaven for” me, as I, “by God’s power,” am “being guarded through faith” (1 Peter 1). My reward is immovable, for He has won it; indeed He has become it. He is the victory I need.

[Side note: Christianity isn't an undercover ploy of greed and pride that allows people to "believe" only enough to get them to Heaven when they die. Many church-goers function this way. Christianity is the teaching that, through His own suffering, Jesus has joined us in our suffering, giving it a hope and a purpose-- a God Who can both sympathize with human weakness and walk in divine power over sin and death. Eternal life is the continuation and deepening of fellowship with God, not some promise for gratification of the fleshly desires for admiration and selfish gain we pretended not to have while we served "others" on earth. He renews us in life by the power of the Spirit; He remakes us completely in death by the unveiled sight of His Son (2 Corinthians 3:18, 1 John 3:2).] 

There is always something about which to be grateful. He is always working. Over all things He is sovereign. "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose" (Romans 8:28). This isn't just a saying for a greeting card, this is a real, tested truth. Stop fearing your pain or your uncertainty; fear God. No suffering will meet you that has not been approved and reworked by a God of infinite understanding and kindness to make you better, to make you more like Jesus, "a man of sorrows, familiar with suffering" (Isaiah 53).

Remind yourself of this truth, even if it’s a moment by moment forgetting and recitation. Train yourself to perceive all things through the filter of the Word of God, the Truth of Jesus, and the Conviction of the Holy Spirit. You have to be willing and disciplined in each memory or new situation to speak it again.

To not get discouraged when you feel you’ve landed in the same place as you were before.

To not be a "hindrance" to yourself by "not setting your mind on the things of God, but on the things of man" (Matthew 16:23).

To not doubt that God has your best interest in mind.

To not allow yourself to feel entitled to bitterness or despair.

There is always hope, there is always forgiveness, you just have to look up (John 3:14). 

So if you find yourself at this moment in the grasp of great pain, do not be dismayed; it is likely the Lord has been working often to prepare you. Look back, take inventory of the training in various aspects of Godliness He has provided you with, and plunge ahead with renewed courage and thanksgiving. He has not left you alone, He will not leave you vulnerable. Fix your eyes, for He is leading you in this battle as the Head of the charge. The Death Conqueror is your King, your Defender, your Guide. What have you to fear but forgetting to look to that King and trust His orders? 

Find reinforced cover by seeking out Christian brothers and sisters to fight alongside you, listening to the comfort of those before you, looking for those in need of comfort behind you (2 Corinthians 1:3-7). Kneel behind that common shield of faith and skillfully wield it as protection from the efforts of the enemy. Trust the sword of the Word of Truth to find its targets. Cling to both with the strength found in the arms of the Creator God; "entrust your soul to" Him for He is faithful, and "do not grow weary of doing good" (Galatians 6:9). 

Keep hope in the Risen Lamb, Who from His doomed journey of certain death, returned to His throne in the light of eternal power, inexhaustible purity, and conquering grace.

What about you?

Have you lost someone close to you? What do remember most from that time of grief? What helpsyou to cope?