5 Lessons from Spiritual Drought

“For he will be like a tree planted by the water,

That extends its roots by a stream

And will not fear when the heat comes;

But its leaves will be green,

And it will not be anxious in a year of drought

Nor cease to yield fruit."

Three years ago, the Lord brought this verse daily to my mind. As I meditated on it one night, I sensed that the Lord was using it to prepare me for the time of drought that He was leading me into. In my pride, I was all about it. I was ready. Excited, even. Just days later, my once intimate relationship with the Lord seemed veiled. He seemed distant; my time in the Word seemed shallow, just enough to keep me alive that day. Worship was painful. Hollow words sung by a troubled heart. My prayers once filled with love and delight instead were timidly spoken as though to one with whom I was hardly acquainted.

I began to worry. Satan began to speak so many things to me. Instead of the voice of the Lord telling me He was bringing me to this place, Satan told me I wandered here on my own. Eventually I believed him. I grew tired trying to find my way back with no success. This brought more lies. My own works, my own strength. Where is the God I once walked with so intimately? What did I do to get here?

I became angry with myself; tired to the point of despair. I have so much sorrow in my heart (Psalm 13). Am I saved? I feel lonely and broken and wretched. I miss Him. Surely "I am a worm and not a man" (Psalm 22:6), a" brute beast" (Psalm 73:22) before the Righteous Judge, Who judges impartially each according to his deeds (1 Peter 1:17). Surely my fate is condemnation! Or else, where is this "joy in my salvation" (Psalm 13:5)? This "ever-present help in trouble" (Psalm 46:1)?

"How long, O Lord? Will You forget me forever?

How long will You hide Your face from me?

How long must I wrestle with my thoughts

and every day have sorrow in my heart?

How long will my enemy triumph over me?"

But in the midst of my feelings, and honestly my despair of self (2 Corinthians 1:8), the Lord is accomplishing His purposes. He brought me here. He led me into this place of drought. He warned me. And how quick was I to believe the lies!

Yet, His purposes overcame, His promises stood, even when I didn't see it.

To be honest, I still have a hard time seeing it. None of these things are truly in the past for me, and I continue to struggle with these thoughts. For the past year, almost daily, I've questioned if I am truly saved. Like, what else would explain this? Or I must be unrepentantly living in sin for Him to seem so distant and for my mind to be so dull in understanding His Scriptures and ways, for this long. And if I'm living in unconfessed sin that's kept the Lord at bay for 3 years... still saved? 1 John says no. I only have one logical conclusion...

"Look on me and answer, O Lord my God.

Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;

my enemy will say, 'I have overcome him,'

and my foes will rejoice when I fall."

Ah, but the Lord is greatly to be praised!

1 Samuel 3:18 states it well: "He is the Lord, let Him do what is right in His eyes." And He will. And that is assuredly for our good! For while my strength fails, He accomplished His will. He is faithful to do as He has planned all along. This 3-year journey, which still continues, is not without fruit:

Conviction of sin. In the midst of my own failing strength, I came to see my limitations. I came out of a place of abundance, of great grace and intimacy. My favorite verse was about my Maker being my Husband (Isaiah 54:5). I rejoiced in His love. But I felt so special. I constantly compared myself to the people around me and saw God's grace in sustaining my obedience as something to take pride in. Yet there I was, flattering myself too much to detect and hate my own sin (Psalm 36:2), while constantly crying out to be made holy. I was a lot like the Pharisees, comparing myself to others and thinking I come out on top. This time of thirst has brought intense introspection, and I praise God, "for I know my transgressions, and my sin is ever before me," (Psalm 51) yet He is teaching me to constantly remember His Son. For "purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean; wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow." By His blood, I have life. In His death and resurrection, I walk before the Lord in His favor, as a son and co-heir with Christ, empowered to live in a manner worthy of that inheritance and calling (Ephesians 4:1).

Trust. As I mentioned earlier, my time in the Word seemed only enough for the day. And I believe that was intentional. "Give us this day our daily bread" (Exodus 16, Matthew 6:11). A lesson, every day, to trust. To believe Him at His Word. He is faithful to do as He says. He's been showing me that I often seek answers and understanding, instead of following Him each moment. But "we walk by faith, and not by sight" (2 Corinthians 5:7). I don't need to know anything about my circumstances for the rest of my life in order to trust God. Because sometimes He doesn't explain anything. Sometimes He doesn't make our decisions clear, but He does lead us in His paths for His Name's sake (Psalm 23:3). Every step we take is sovereignly guided by the "Shepherd and Overseer of my soul" (1 Peter 2:25).

Discipline (by grace). This also applies to my time in the Bible these past 3 years. I can't explain to you the amount of times I've read His words in tears, not because It is "sharper than any two-edged sword", but because It didn't feel "living and active" at all (Hebrews 4:12). Because my mind didn't seem to be illuminated to the Scripture and the words written were the only ones I heard, and sometimes even they made little sense. And yet, by grace, He has kept me consistently in the precious pages of the revelation of His character and His plan for redemption and sanctification. This has proven invaluable to the sustaining of my faith and of my obedience to Him. This daily bread, given at His determining, has preserved my life.

Saved to a community and Body of believers. Before this season, I'd write paragraphs full of thoughts and prayers reading even just one verse. Nowadays, I'm happy to understand what is written. I do think this is largely due to the fact that I didn't share what I learned (but also to remind me that it's not anything about me, it's His grace that allows me to learn and to hear). I thought, once again, that I was special and that this understanding was for me, for my own relationship with Him. But He has taught me that my faith, His lessons, His gifts, everything He does is for the building up of the Body, that together, by "speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into Him Who is the Head" (Ephesians 4:15). For "if we are comforted, it is for your comfort" (2 Corinthians 1:6), not just our own. He has not allowed me to continue to think so selfishly without conviction.

I am thankful.

"But I trust in Your unfailing love;

my heart rejoices in Your salvation.

I will sing to the Lord,

for He has been good to me."

He has done so much. And though His promises are not always fulfilled the way we expect them to be, we can be no less assured that He is keeping them. He is always "Faithful and True" (Revelation 19:11). And He is in the process of doing much more. He is making me not only a hearer, but a doer of His Word-- that my conviction would lead to "bearing fruit in keeping with repentance" (James 1:25, Matthew 3:8).

"For You, O God, have tested us, You have tried us like silver. You brought us into the net; You laid a crushing burden on our backs; You let men ride over our heads; we went through fire and through water; yet You have brought us out to a place of abundance" (Psalm 66:10-12).

At times my weakness throughout this trial makes me feel "so utterly burdened beyond my strength that I despair of life itself. Indeed, I felt that I had received the sentence of death. But that was to make me rely not on myself but on God Who raises the dead." (2 Corinthians 1:8-9). "Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!" (Romans 7:24). "In this I rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, I have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of my faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is refined by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ" (1 Peter 1:6-7). Therefore, "return to rest once more, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you. For [He has] delivered my soul from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling; that I may walk before the Lord in the land of the living" (Psalm 116:7-9).

"Even our tears of repentance need to be washed in the blood of the Lamb!"

God, please forgive me for spending more time and energy reacting to my circumstances than to Your holiness, love, and commands.

...for feeling more sorrow over my losses than over my sin.

...for meditating more on my feelings than Your Truth.

...for so often having in mind the things of men and not of You.

...for being more willing to talk about my life to others than to the One Who orchestrates my life.

...for trusting more in the comfort of others than the comfort of the One Who created my feelings.

...for clinging to this world instead of the Creator, Sustainer, and Savior of it.

You are worthy of all things. All praise, glory and honor forever and ever!

When God's Timing Confuses You

"...Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me."

I'm not sure I have much to say-- at least maybe not directly pertaining to Israel and the time we've had here-- but I think I do have much to say (truly... be warned about the length of this post) about the TIMING of being here and the God Who wisely and sovereignly orchestrated it. 

As most of you know, my brother-in-law was called Home a month and 5 days ago, and Olivia and I left a little over a week after that. I've mulled over this decision many times, wondering if this was right, if it really was the best decision, and the nights where I feel the most grief I think maybe not. But it's a very good thing that my feelings don't dictate truth. They don't always even indicate it. God dictates truth. So while I often feel maybe it would be nice to be home, I know that this was the will of God for me to be here, because it happened and God is sovereign. Nothing I do can happen unless He says it can happen-- just as in Job 1:6-12, God tells Satan to ask Him to test Job, and then He gives the permission for it to happen. If God has power even over the actions of His enemy, why would we think any differently about His sovereignty over us, His people?

Here now, in my room in Israel, I'm thinking over the past few weeks so far. They've been filled with exploring, organizing, CD-making, book-selling, and falafel. We've had little opportunity (well, there's people everywhere, so I don't know if I can really say this) to share the Gospel, but we have been aiding in this ministry's sharing of the Gospel.

Unfortunately, with the lack of speaking the Gospel to others, I think I have also fallen out of the habit of speaking it to myself. I can't lie, my heart lately has felt burdened and tired, like maybe this faith in me is not true after all or maybe my initial joy and peace really was (as I feared people thinking) just me not accepting the facts that someone I love very very dearly and looked up to so much would no longer be available for conversation, advice, Bible-interpretation, brotherly love and friendship, laughs, or, more importantly, partnership for my sister. However, (!!!) he instead has attained the goal for which he was running-- the salvation of his soul.

Those of us still here, though now for a little while are grieved by this and other various trials, which test the genuineness of our faith in order to bring praise, glory, and honor to God at the revelation of Jesus Christ, rejoice in the future hope of our own departure to be with Christ (1 Peter 1, Philippians 1:23).

In this time and the many times to follow, may I never forget the atoning blood that flowed out of even deeper pain, but equal sovereignty-- this blood that redeemed my life, that bought Jacob his innocent verdict and a warm welcome as he stood before our Creator and Judge. What a comfort to know that the Lord has as much wisdom and care in the plans for each part of our lives as He did in planning His eternal redemption through His Son. May I never forget His goodness and worth! There is deep pain in the night, but joy, true joy, comes in the LORD, not just in the morning!

I was talking (well...typing) with my sister the other day and talking about how wise God is and how foolish we are, thinking so often that Jake's death disrupted our plans for our future, when they were just that: our plans. God's plans remain firmly in place, and have since the beginning of time. We think now the future is so uncertain... but how silly! for when did we ever know our future? We know as much now as we did before, it's just that the plans of our heart had different circumstances to work with at the time. These have been God's plans from the beginning, and they are good. May our faith be found genuine, our trust be found in Christ! By grace alone can we continue to stand, despite our weaknesses!

I feel much more acquainted with this weakness lately. Acquainted much more closely than I'd like to be, but I think that is a great lesson from this. My weakness, my utter helplessness without His power and grace and joy and peace. I forget Philippians 4 says that while I'm making my prayer and supplication in everything, I am to do so with thanksgiving! "Thanksgiving?" you may ask. "For what?" For Isaiah 55:8-9. For Philippians 2:13. For Ephesians 1:13-14. For Genesis 1:1. For John 19:30. For everything God is, does, says, wills. There is, in fact, nothing that we shouldn't thank God for! All things He works together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28).

Just the good and happy things? No. I don't see that anywhere in the Bible. I see "all things", which, I'm sure, if you look in the Greek, at the cultural context, each of the cross-references, they will all come to one conclusion: ALL things. Everything. Happy and heart-wrenching alike. Do you doubt this?

Sometimes my actions confirm that I doubt. When I doubt, I'm doubting not only the Holy Bible, but also the Holy God Who wrote it. Job 2:10: "Shall we receive good from God, and shall we not receive adversity?" Job 1:21: "The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the Name of the Lord."

The Holy Spirit confirms that this doubt is sin. In those times, I must seek His face and heart and will. I must repent and submit and rejoice, thanking Him that as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are His ways and thoughts higher than mine (Isaiah 55:8-9) and that, because He is perfect in wisdom and power, He doesn't allow my (short-sighted) plans to happen. 

Is that always a natural reaction? Heck no. Does that make it any less required? Also, no. "Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God-- through Jesus Christ our Lord!" (Romans 7:24).

So... while I am still in mourning, I am being taught to be constant in rejoicing and content in Christ. When Jake was born, Who ordained it? When Jake met and married my sister and became a part of my family, Who brought it together? When Jake died, Who ordered it to be so? God. He is always on the throne in Heaven; may He be always on the throne in my heart, soul, mind and strength.

Oh how I've been learning the dissatisfaction of this world and the value of Christ! Though I've been feeling home-sick, wanting to be with my family, my sister, my friends, my church...even more than that He's creating in me a Home-sickness that is centered around His Heaven, my true Home, His presence forever! He has made Psalm 73:25 my cry.

Though perhaps I do not feel as close to my Creator, my Sustainer, my Salvation, my Comforter, my Joy, and my Strength as I would like, I know His character, I know His Word, and I know that both of those confirm that He is here, He is working, He is healing, and He is sanctifying. This process is often painful but still pleasant, because we know the end result: 1 John 3:2-3, which tells us we shall be made like Him for we shall see Him as He is. So, the end result? Glorification. Total conformation to the image of the Son. No more sin. No more desire to sin. Christ. To die is great gain!

"He can do all things, and no purpose of His can be stopped. He is our God. And because He is our God, even when we don't have our questions answered, even when we don't know the purpose, we can have hope and we can have rest and we can even have joy, because He is Who He is and we belong to Him. At the heart of it is knowing Who God is and knowing Who is God. He is God and because He is God, that is enough." -Stephen Rummage

My mind knows truth, and I must remind myself of these Truths, to "take captive every thought to make it obedient to Him" so that my faulty flesh will follow my corrected thoughts (2 Corinthians 10:5). Please pray that I would not allow my feelings to dictate what I believe, but that truth would dictate my feelings!

God is wise. He is moving. He will not yield His glory to another.
He is sovereign over salvation. He will not yield His glory to another.
His plans are right, good, exciting.
He's perfect, atoning, alive.
He is Messiah, His Word incorruptible, His body unable to be contained in the grave.
His Kingdom advancing. His Gospel proclaiming. His plans succeeding.
He will not yield His glory to another.

“Worthy is the Lamb Who was slain, to receive power and wealth and wisdom and might and honor and glory and blessing!...Amen! Blessing and glory and wisdom and thanksgiving and honor and power and might be to our God forever and ever! Amen."

Amen. MARANATHA.