A Thankful Birthday

Today I'm 27 years old and honestly that blows. my. mind.

Thinking back over the time I've had so far, there are so many things to be thankful for. 

Like living my first seven years by the beach and my time being filled with love and learning and animals and friends and fun.

Or like moving to Tampa, when I was terrified to start over but ended up finding a church and a school that helped me see the world through Biblical, compassionate eyes. And cheerleading, which brought a lot of discipline and determination into my life.

Like high school. I liked my school and my friends, but I especially liked getting to graduate a semester early. I learned a lot about people and about how God loves and meets anyone where they are.

Like waiting a lot of years to go to college because I didn't know what I wanted to do and I didn't think I should waste time and money to figure it out. So I worked a little, got fat a little, and hung out with friends a lot. Then I went to Israel for 6 weeks and I learned a lot about myself and how God would love and meet me in my most painful moments, when I felt alone and full of grief. During that time, He showed me strength and peace that not only kept me going, but shaped me into a better, kinder, wiser person. 

Or that I did finally go to college. That I got my finance degree and didn't give up even when all my core classes were smushed into 3 semesters and it was this frustrating, overwhelming, seemingly endless task. I'm also thankful it's done... haha. 

And that during that last semester, I finally gave in to my lifelong dreams and took an acting class. That I was terrible but I kept getting up. That when that one finished, I signed up for one that honestly taught me how to be me, to reflect on my past and face my future, and, an even greater challenge-- letting people in to the emotions that stirs up. 

And now here I am. In Atlanta, pursuing film, working at a finance office. Thankful thankful thankful. 

But all this is nothing without the people around me. And today I'm especially thankful for those closest to me and those with me from the beginning. 

I have parents that enjoyed spending time with my sister and I. That taught us how to explore and find wonder in the world around us. That taught us to love and be loved and to work hard and to put others before ourselves with joy. 

I have a built-in best friend that made growing up fun, who taught me how to be a good friend. That showed me how to give of myself without losing myself, and now shows me how to lead and love those God places in my path. Now I get to see her be a wife to a great encourager and a mom to the two cutest little loves, and the friendships and the family grows. 

And now I have a fiancé who, though he just came into the picture late 2016, has been a constant source of encouragement and love, a confidant that immediately felt lifelong, that made me understand what it is to know and love someone completely, unconditionally. Who challenges me, pushes me, and cares about me more than I ever thought possible. Who is my best friend and makes me laugh every single day. Who I get to kiss in front of everyone next month and say "I do" to spending the rest of our lives having fun together, growing together, and making our world better together. 

And to the friends that have been there for me through the weird times and the happy time and the hard times and the many stages of me-- you're all amazing and I love you. If we've lost contact, I haven't lost any of the love for you. You're in my heart forever.

I never thought I'd have gotten here. Honestly, it's hard for me to think into the future. But if it's anything like the last 27 years... I'm pretty excited. 

June 27, 2018: 7 Years Later

Didn't really have time until now to sit and really think about today. 7 years ago we lost someone very dear to us. I miss Jake. He was a brother I loved, a friend I treasured, a teacher I respected. I thank God for the years we had with him.

The months following tragedy are often engulfed in feelings of disbelief, disappointment, confusion, anger, and fear. There are times when everything feels surreal, and times when deep realization crashes into you, knocking you over again. Sometimes it's hard to believe tomorrow will come, and, honestly, do you really want it to?

In the Old Testament, the Lord spoke about farming cycles for the Israelite's crops, giving the land rest every 7th year. My family was thrown into a new land, a new way of life, in 2011. Years pass, and in some ways, you grow comfortable. You feel acclimated. You begin to lose sight of how God provided for you in the beginning of it.

This 7th year has been one of drought for me. Nothing seemed to grow, and I felt constantly at the end of myself. Spiritually I didn't feel like I had anything to offer. But as it comes to a close, I reflect again on new beginnings. On God's provision. His care. His intentionality.

He planned this path for me. Just as He called Israel to do, He brought me into a fallow year. Looking over the past 7 years, I see His hand keeping me, guiding me, being so so kind to me. Looking ahead, I pray I walk in thankfulness and wisdom and love.

We are so quick to forget. We start to rely on ourselves and think silly thoughts that lead us away from God because we're distracted by things that seem great in the moment but leave us feeling like we're missing something.

But even when we run after other things, God is faithful. This year has reminded me that I cannot be a Christian without leaning, at every moment, on Christ. Yet through pain, through forgetfulness, through disobedience, God leads His children. He loves them. He forgives them. He gives them rest.

I'm Gonna be an Actress, Mom

The words every parent fears, and no parent of the shyest person on earth expects to hear.

Okay, I’m not going to pretend that I haven’t considered running away and not telling anyone where or why. In fact I’m thinking about it right now. One last chance, Alyssa. But I won’t. I can do this. I can tell you.

I have been fearing this moment for a long while.

But, it’s time.

And this time it isn’t a hacked status.

I’m moving.

I am set to graduate from USF in December. I’ve told a lot of people that my career plans following graduation involve personal budgeting and financial advising. And that’s true. Don’t feel lied to. But that’s not my main goal. More like a side job or hobby.

The real plan is to move to LA in March 2017.

(Edit: to say I moved instead to Atlanta in November 2018...)

See, last semester I took an acting class. (Pause for laughter) I know, it’s hilarious. Me, acting. Me, in front of people. Me, being the center of attention. It's okay; I see the humor too. I know. 

What I didn’t know was a sense of legitimacy. Look, I’ve been thinking about acting for decades but only recently learned that I could be serious. I mean, acting is a dream for kids before they discover the real world, right? But this past semester I got to know about 15 other people with the same thoughts I was having: I think about this every day; I have to at least try. And we had a teacher that told us it was possible, that gave lots of practical advice, that has put the effort in and found a way to do what he loves to do and make a living of it.

I “got” my first on-camera acting job as an extra in a local movie about two months ago. I showed up 30 minutes early and was promoted to having my first on-camera speaking role (okay, so it was one line). I emailed them, said thanks, and thought that was goodbye. A month later, they posted that they were looking for interns. So now I’m PAing on set and trying to learn everything I can now so I can implement it later on when we start filming for a web series I’m working on in August.

I tell you all of that to say I love this. I don’t care if it’s getting water bottles for everyone, wiping up fake blood from surrounding areas, or talking to people during breaks, there’s something that just feels right. And it feels like me. And it’s weird because, I'm not Bollywood dancing around set or anything, but I don’t feel shy. And that doesn’t make sense. I walked off set at the end of that first day and realized I had one-on-one conversations with 80% of the people there and it wasn’t even forced upon me. I started some of them. And if you have known me for any length of time in basically any other context, you know that’s weird.

Everyone I’ve met has given me greater drive or encouraged me by telling me I can do it, that I’m making the right decisions and taking the right steps to get where I want to go– legitimacy.

I hope that this post and the conversations it will probably lead to will help me to solidify that sense of legitimacy. It can be a real goal and not just a fairy tale answer to, “If you could be anything in the world, what would you be?” Because acting, directing, and producing head that list (followed by Astronaut, Medical Researcher, Writer, Financial Planner, Architect, Small Business Owner, Archaeologist, Woodworker, Diagnostician, etc...).

I know I’m guilty of thinking that what some people call “God’s plan” is really just their way of getting other people to stop arguing with them about their plan. Who can argue with God, right? So believe me when I say I’ve been really cautious in deeming this as “God’s plan” instead of just something I really want to do.

But maybe those things aren’t mutually exclusive. I am a Christian, I read the Bible, I try to train myself to yield to the Holy Spirit in small, everyday situations. With those making up the basis of my decision-making for the past 15 years of being a Christian, my will and God’s will shouldn’t be that different. So here’s to hoping.

The people I’ve told so far have been surprisingly supportive and every time I think about it, I have this rush of affection for them all. I’m thankful to have such good friends. Or at least friends that are used to me being convinced and weirdly convincing about unconventional future plans (read: refusing to go to college for two years, believing I’d marry Joe Jonas, nearly moving to Israel). Either way, thank you.

So, just some practical answers to possible questions from everyone else.

1. “But the entertainment world is so 'secular'. I don’t think it’s a good idea.”

I have a better idea than running in fear: prayer and accountability. Don’t tell me it’s going to be difficult in order to discourage me; tell me in order to strengthen me. If you think it’s going to be difficult, me being surrounded by unbelief and its corresponding behavior, don’t tell me not to go– pray for me! Talk about the Bible with me. Hold me accountable for decisions you see me making that do not exemplify Christ.

I also think it’s funny that no one tells me to be careful or tries to convince me not to get a job in Finance. Like, I’ve faced incredible temptation to become greedy and manipulative and selfish and fearful and I haven’t even graduated yet. But no one is like, “Hey, be careful. Satan might steal you away.” They’re just like, “Oh, so you like math?” Why are people so much more afraid or pessimistic about my salvation when I tell them about acting than when I tell them about Finance? Do not both have the capacity to lead me astray? Should not all be careful, all be alert, all be on guard?

Many times over the years I thought I was going to move to a foreign country to be a missionary, or go to seminary to be a leader in girl’s youth ministry, or write books. I want you to know that I look at going into the entertainment industry as becoming a missionary, as going into ministry, and as being given a platform from which to write books that reaches more than the 4 or so people that see this post. I don’t see this decision as anything less than an occupation in which I am devoted to God and His will for me. (You can read my take on the difference between “holy” and “common” occupations here.)

Anyway, I know that somehow someone going to a nation that has never heard of Christ seems more “Christian” than going to a city of a bunch of rich, famous people. I know it seems more “Christian” to be in physical danger out in the savannas of Africa than in spiritual danger from the comfort of Los Angeles. But it’s not.

And it may sound like Christian advice to tell me to keep my distance from unbelievers, but it isn’t. It may be well-intended, but it is still wrong. Tell me to “keep watch on myself”, yes, but do not seek to prevent me from doing what I, through more than two years of prayer and planning, believe God wants me to do, lest "you have in mind the things of man and not the things of God.”  For Christ is in me and He has overcome the world. He has beaten death. He has said no to every sin of every person that He came in contact with on earth. And His Spirit lives inside me, helping me to do the same. I believe in the power of the resurrection. Do you?

2. “But the entertainment world is so difficult to get into. You’re going to starve to death.”

I know there’s a lot of competition. I know in movies the 35-year old wannabe actor has a midlife crisis and decides to do other things because their spouse thinks they’re lazy and their kids need better schooling. But I don’t have any of those responsibilities and I don’t plan to for a very long time. All I have to do is make sure I have food and shelter and I’m good. So let me try to do something I enjoy. Why do you want me to suffer, to die a little inside every day forcing myself to a job I hate just because it has a stable income? I’ve tried prioritizing stability but all it’s taught me is that I want to like going to work. I don’t think that’s laziness or naivity.

Also thanks for the vote of confidence... I sincerely hope when you tell people about your future plans, they don’t doubt your ability to carry them out and tout their pessimism as being “realistic”.

Why not work hard? Why not make it happen?

Why not me?

People have this subconscious way of thinking that unless a stranger walks up to them on the street and offers them their dream job, it could never happen. They aren’t willing to put themselves in situations where being offered that job would be even slightly more likely. Instead people give up on things before they begin because somewhere along the way someone doubted them. And they’ve internalized that disappointment so much that now they cast that same doubt on everyone else’s dreams as soon as they hear them.

But I’m not so easily dissuaded. 

3. “But the entertainment world is going to be new to you. What if you hate it?”

There is that chance. It is new, but I’ve been working on a few things already. Like I said, I’ve been auditioning, I’ve been working on set for the past month, for several months co-writing a web series that’ll be out next year, Lord willing.

If I hate it, I hate it. I stand behind my decisions to take chances and try, to invest my time and money in something I care about and believe will be sanctifying and good, to trust that God can do impossible things if He wants to. Because I do– I care. I believe. I trust.

I will regret it forever if I do not try.

All of these add up to a lot of time and work, but they’ve served to further convince me that this is possible and this is fun. So maybe I’ll hate it, but gosh you hypotheticals are all such pessimists and maybe I’ll love it with all my heart and be incredibly happy.