Don't Wait for Your Future Spouse

"Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil... giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ." Ephesians 5.

Women of God encouraging younger women of God to wait patiently for their husbands wooed me into a dissonance of trust and hope. See, over and over again, I was told that "if you just pray", "if you just give up your desires to the Lord", "if you just do what He has you doing now", He will bring the right man at the right time.

Let's translate that into how I perceived it as a 7th grader:

"As soon as you stop looking, you'll trip over him as he's on one knee proposing to you!"

"Focus on obeying God and suddenly there will be the man of your dreams right beside you!"

And how I feel when I find myself still single:

"You have not sufficiently given God your desires to marry."

"You are not obedient enough to warrant a husband."

Needless to say, it was discouraging. And it was also deceiving. Because that just isn't how it works. I wish I had thought through my perceptions before they became instilled in me as truth.

With this mindset, not only am I discouraged about my faith because of my lack of romantic relationships, but I am deceived by my own hidden motives. If I do this, I will get that. I walk in obedience in one direction, the whole time checking back over my shoulder to see if my husband is falling in love with me yet. Suddenly, my obedience and fervor to speak of and act out the Gospel is less about genuine concern and service rendered as unto the Lord, and more of a self-serving "sacrifice" meant to give me what I want.

Maybe this is just my idolatry of marriage playing in to my thoughts. I know this to be at least partially true, as I've been looking ahead to the time of being able to love someone and have them love me in return until death do us part since I was aboouuut 8 years old. So I know I've thrown in some of my own biases while interpreting these well-meaning ladies.

But I think we need to be more specific when it comes to encouraging women to wait and to trust.

God is so good. He knows what I need, who I need, where I need to go, what I need to do. He knows my hopes, and He knows what will best fulfill the desires of my heart because He's the One Who made them.

He doesn't promise that I will get everything I want, but He does promise that if I pursue first His Kingdom and righteousness, He will provide for me everything I need, as a loving father provides for his beloved son.

Need being the key word.

I do have fears of loneliness, but the only time I truly feel lonely is when I'm complaining to people about how lonely I am, because I feel like I'm supposed to, because I'm ridiculous and want pity and compliments. I want someone to tell me of my value in the eyes of men. This isn't a need.

This is silly.

An insult to the Lord, Who sustains and satisfies those who seek Him.

What I need is not to wait on something He doesn't promise, like a love story that puts all other romantic relationships to shame. Maybe one day He does have plans for me to marry, but future possibilities cannot eclipse my current responsibilities or inhibit my thanksgiving.

What I do need to wait for are the instructions that He will give, while living according to the commands He has already given. To actively be still, knowing that He is God. To "run in the path of [His] commands" with joy and trust and peace and self-discipline. 

I need to stop waiting for God to give in to my idolatry while excusing my idleness. I need to wait with hope because God is wiser than I am, His timing and gifts are perfect, He is good, and He loves me and wants what is actually best for me.

That is the best use of my time.

So what if it wasn't good for Adam to be alone, prompting God to make Eve? So what if the first relationship given to ease loneliness was a marital one? Marriage is a shadow of a reality we can all know in Christ-- married or unmarried-- as He betrothes Himself to us, just as He unites us with the Father and with the whole Church of God.

Romantic relationships are not the only ones in which we can be known and loved. They shouldn't be the only ones we put effort into. There are plenty of other interpersonal relationships in which we connect in mentally and spiritually, reminding us that we are fully known and cared for by God.

My value does not rest in the desire of a man; it rests in the constant and unchanging, finished work of Jesus Christ, making me, through faith, forever, an inheriting child of the High King and Creator of all the universe. That is huge.

What the heck does it matter if a cute boy thinks I'm pretty.