A One Year Anniversary

"When we pray to be sanctified, are we prepared to face the standard of these verses? We take the term sanctification much too lightly. Are we prepared for what sanctification will cost? It will cost an intense narrowing of all our interests on earth, and an immense broadening of our interests in God. Sanctification means intense concentration on God's point of view. It means every power of body, soul and spirit chained and kept for God's purpose only. Are we prepared for God to do in us all that He separated us for?... Sanctification means being made one with Jesus so that the disposition that ruled Him will rule us. Are we prepared for what that will cost? It will cost everything that is not of God in us." -Oswald Chambers.

It’s hard for me to believe it’s been a year since my brother-in-law went home to be with the Lord. I’ve seen such beauty in the grace and goodness and providence of the Lord. Jesus has proven Himself to be the joy and stronghold in the stormy night for me, my sister, and our families. The storm has rained down grief and sorrow, but it has only served to water the ground of grace, founded in the Gospel of Christ, bringing forth praise!

It's been a difficult path, one that we hadn’t intended to walk, but God, in His infinite wisdom, led us on that way. I am thankful for His grace that kept my feet upon His narrow path, and I am thankful, in Him, for the path itself. It took time for me to be able to say, by grace, that because of the sovereignty and kindness of God, I am thankful for the life and timing of the death of Jacob.

Charles Spurgeon has said, “There is an essential difference between the decease of the Godly and the death of the unGodly. Death comes to the unGodly man as a penal infliction, but to the righteous as a summons to his Father's palace. To the sinner it is an execution, to the saint an undressing from his sins and infirmities. Death to the wicked is the King of terrors. Death to the saint is the end of terrors, the commencement of glory.”

So, for my brother, I rejoice. And I rejoice, too, at the promise in Christ that I will one day join him. What grace! And what grace it is to be able to see in a heavenly perspective the death of those who “fall asleep in Jesus” to soon be “raised imperishable...in glory...in power” (1 Thessalonians 4:14; 1 Corinthians 15).

I think of Jake every day. I am reminded of him-- his mannerisms, his laugh, his list of things to tell me on Wednesday nights. His honesty and care were something I happily experienced much of, and it was one of the first things I missed about him after he went Home. I miss him. I couldn’t have asked for a better brother-in-law.

He was an answer to so many of my parents' prayers, an answer that went above and beyond their hopes for their oldest daughter. From observation, he was an excellent husband. His leadership and love for my sister shaped my ideas of Biblical marriage in a very beautiful way. His pursuit of Diana, her joyful submission to him as he submitted himself to God all graciously portrayed the Gospel. As a fellow believer and as a sister, I appreciated it more than I knew.

My parents eagerly adopted him into our family, treating him as their own son. I quickly adopted the idea of him as my brother. For five years, I watched Jake become a part of my family, and for the past year I’ve seen his death affect each of us in a different, but equally beautiful way. Both periods of time were designed by God to accomplish His good and kind-- even when painful-- purposes, which are common to all “who love Him” (Romans 8:28). I've come to see that God has a wide range of comforts that He lavishly gives as we come to rest in Him.

There are expectations placed on us as we grieve. It can be difficult to separate what people say we should be feeling or doing from how we really are. It can make it even more difficult to, by grace, “not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God” and remain daily in the Word, speaking Its truth to my heart and “taking captive each thought to make it obedient to Him” (Philippians 4:13; 2 Corinthians 10:5). To allow God to take care of what my feelings accomplish.

Shortly after his death, I wrote these words:

“I pray that we all would rejoice in the will of God, praise the Name of God, and trust in the perfect character of God. His plans have been firmly established since the beginning of time and there is nothing that can happen apart from Him. And He is GOOD all the time; all the time, He is good!...There hasn't been an hour gone by that I haven't thought of him, yearned with great pain to talk to him again. I hurt. A pain so deep and severe that I've never known before. Please, God, sustain me! Where is my hope in this grieving? Am I grieving as the world does? Were my love true and real, for God and for Jacob, wouldn't I be rejoicing for his current and now eternal state? May I never forget Your goodness and worth! There is much pain in the night, but joy comes in the Lord! So as my tears continue to flow, may I never forget the blood that flowed out of much deeper pain, but equal sovereignty-- this blood that redeemed my life, that bought Jake an innocent verdict and a warm welcome as He stood before our Creator and Judge. 

What a comfort to know that the Lord has as much wisdom and care in the plans for each part of our lives as He did in planning His eternal redemption through His Son! May I continue to grow in the values and characteristics Jake complimented (or corrected) in me as he applied Your Word to the world around him. May Your Word be my guide, the lens I see through. For there is nothing else of worth and no higher calling than to be called and made a child of the Most High God. May these tears lead only to Your Throne and to Your feet in service. May I not neglect the pain of others in the anguish of my heart. And though he is currently the most commonly occurring thought and the most desired friend, may he not become to me more precious than You. Please keep me from earthly thoughts, from such lowly expectations and imaginings of Your Kingdom. Though You crush me, yet will I praise You (Job 13:15). Praise the sovereign, wise, matchless, worthy, loving Father, Son, and Holy Spirit! Maranatha (Lord, come quickly)!”

Now, a year later, I read these words and I feel that pain, but I feel also the sweetness so intricately intertwined within it.

I can look back and see the purposes of the Lord in Jake’s death. Not all, but some-- as many as He's allowed me to see. I sense the presence of the Lord hovering over this past year, intimately tending to each hurt and question of my heart. I saw Him do the same for so many others.

God often seemed quiet, even distant at times But through that I came to know even more assuredly that His promises are not based upon my thoughts or circumstances, but on His unchanging, always faithful and true nature; that His words and commands, as written in His Word, are “holy and righteous and good” (Romans 7:12); that every pain and every joy in His will are “good, pleasing, and perfect” because, though it may be difficult at times to see, “in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose” (Romans 12:2; Romans 8:28).

Truly He works for our good and joy as He seeks His own glory! His exaltation is our highest joy. And God is so greatly exalted when the saints rejoice in suffering. It is this walking “by faith and not by sight," this heavenly mindset that says “this world is not my home” and “this earth has nothing I desire besides You” that lifts our eyes-- and the eyes of the world watching us-- up to the Lord, Who reigns sovereign, His worth steady and high above our circumstances (2 Corinthians 5:7; Hebrews 13:14, NLT; Psalm 73:25).

As we made our way to Gainesville to meet my sister and his family, the Lord brought me to Psalm 97-103, particularly the words “Rejoice in the Lord, O you righteous, and give thanks to His holy Name... know that the Lord, He is God! It is He Who made us, and we are His." And this is great cause to rejoice in Him!

We are His; we belong to Him. He commands our steps, our first and final breaths. And when one of those whom He has claimed as His own is taken to His side, we cannot think we have been robbed, that perhaps that particular saint was ours first and the Lord’s second. In fact, it is the very opposite which causes us to see death in a clearer, brighter lens: We belong first to the Lord, and whatever He does, He does because “as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are [His] ways higher than our ways and [His] thoughts than our thoughts” (Isaiah 55:8-9), because He is so much wiser and more wonderful than we are, and because His plans are filled to the brim with His grace and kindness and goodness.

So we must breathe in and out the words of 1 Samuel 3:18: “He is the Lord, let Him do what is good in His eyes,” His loving, perfect, all-seeing eyes.

3 Things to Remember When You Don't Feel Like Being Single Anymore

"The unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband. I say this for your own benefit, not to lay any restraint upon you, but to promote good order and to secure your undivided devotion to the Lord" (1 Corinthians 7:33-35).

I've been very convicted about my attention and mindset recently. And by recently, I mean like the past year. But alas, here I am, still struggling against the same sins.

There are so many assumptions in the Bible that I fail to match up to. Paul here assumes that the unmarried woman is anxious about the Lord with undivided devotion to Him. How is it, then, that when I'm not intentionally thinking about the Lord, I don't think about the Lord? It actually takes a good bit of effort for me to concentrate my mind on things above, but it is commanded. The Psalms are filled with verses about thinking of the Lord day and night. About delighting in thoughts of Him.

Here's where my idolatry and pride come in:

Instead of constantly being "anxious about things of the Lord", namely "how to be holy in body and spirit," I feel anxious about my future. Why? When has anything I planned ever come out exactly the way I imagined? I look back at the wonderful, gracious sovereignty of the Lord over my past and am filled with gratitude. Looking forward, that gratitude dims. I feel as though I will fail. Everything will fail. And that I just want to go Home because trusting Him on earth is really hard.

As if trusting in myself were easier, less stressful. 

It is a great and glorious thing to trust in the Lord! There is freedom and peace; indeed, "in His presence there is fullness of joy" (Psalm 16:11).

I think to myself that my life would just make a lot more sense if I were married. I have this desire to serve a husband, to honor and respect him, to be loved by him for Jesus's Name's sake (Ephesians 5:25, 33). And those are good things, Biblical things. But if they are not in the will of the Lord for me now, no matter how badly I desire them or even how good those activities are, they would not be in my best interest. So, because the "Lord works out all things for my good", if something I want isn't happening: praise the Lord! I can trust that whatever He does bring about will be far better (Romans 8:28)!

But it's difficult to walk step by step in that truth. It's hard not to wander, to doubt. Certainly that is the plan of the enemy and has been since he stirred up doubt in Eve regarding the goodness of the commands and providence of the Lord while in the Garden of Eden. 

So how do we fight against him?

1. Remember that "if you do not stand firm in faith, you will not stand at all" (Isaiah 7:9). Christian, know that "it is God Who works in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure" (Philippians 2:13). No matter how badly we want to be holy, God wants that for us even more, and He is sustaining us throughout our lifelong fight of "conformation into the image of the Son" (2 Corinthians 3:18). Though we do not have the ability to please Him on our own, He gives us strength as we put in the effort to train ourselves to be faithful in prayer and to His Word. 

We need constantly to direct our thoughts toward Him and to take each of them captive to make them obedient to Him (2 Corinthians 10:5). When we stop feeding ourselves Truth, it gets progressively more difficult to discern it from lies. We start reverting to our former ways in the world instead of "being transformed by the renewal of [our] minds" because that renewal is not a one-time thing; it is a daily effort (Romans 12:2). To daily fill our minds with the Word so we can hold what we see and hear up to what the Lord has spoken.

In addition to prayer and the Bible, God has also given us His Holy Spirit, Who will "teach [us] all things and bring to [our] remembrance all that [Christ] has said" and Who convicts us when we stray (John 14:26). For we are "His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that [we] should walk in them" (Ephesians 2:10).

2. "Take up the whole armor of God, that we may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the Gospel of peace. In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. To that end keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints, and also for me, that words may be given to me in opening my mouth boldly to proclaim the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains, that I may declare it boldly, as I ought to speak" (Ephesians 6).

We must be clothed with truth, righteousness, and the Gospel. Protect ourselves with faith. Have the mind of Christ. Be armed with the Word of God. And do all these things while being "constant in prayer,"-- not prayer for ourselves only but for all the saints who are battling alongside us, protecting them also as we see danger coming toward them, working with one purpose as Christ has made us one in His salvation.

3. Talk about your current opportunities. "Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the Name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you." And the best part: "Behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age" (Matthew 28:19). By wrapping the command up with the promise of His presence, He reminds us that we need Him in order to accomplish the things He desires for us to do. That power will include giving you the grace to stand up against the lust and loneliness that often come with being single. 

Instead of spending so much time talking about your desire to be in a romantic relationship, focus on the relationships God does have you in today-- family, friends, coworkers, classmates, mentors and mentees. Focus your conversations on things you can be doing now, not only on your hopes for tomorrow. Find ways to serve others, being generous with your attention, your money, and your time. That is how to be anxious about the things of the Lord.

Doing all these things with "undivided devotion" is a long process that requires a lot of effort. And I have a lot more effort to go. But it is the Lord working in me to want it, and He will not relent. 

"Now may the God of peace Who brought again from the dead our Lord Jesus, the great Shepherd of the sheep, by the blood of the eternal covenant, equip you with everything good that you may do His will, working in us that which is pleasing in His sight, through Jesus Christ, to Whom be glory forever and ever." (Hebrews 13:20)

"To Him Who is able to keep you from stumbling and to present you blameless before the presence of His glory with great joy, to the only God, our Savior, through Jesus Christ our Lord, be glory, majesty, dominion, and authority, before all time and now and forever. Amen." (Jude 1:24)

5 Lessons from Spiritual Drought

“For he will be like a tree planted by the water,

That extends its roots by a stream

And will not fear when the heat comes;

But its leaves will be green,

And it will not be anxious in a year of drought

Nor cease to yield fruit."

Three years ago, the Lord brought this verse daily to my mind. As I meditated on it one night, I sensed that the Lord was using it to prepare me for the time of drought that He was leading me into. In my pride, I was all about it. I was ready. Excited, even. Just days later, my once intimate relationship with the Lord seemed veiled. He seemed distant; my time in the Word seemed shallow, just enough to keep me alive that day. Worship was painful. Hollow words sung by a troubled heart. My prayers once filled with love and delight instead were timidly spoken as though to one with whom I was hardly acquainted.

I began to worry. Satan began to speak so many things to me. Instead of the voice of the Lord telling me He was bringing me to this place, Satan told me I wandered here on my own. Eventually I believed him. I grew tired trying to find my way back with no success. This brought more lies. My own works, my own strength. Where is the God I once walked with so intimately? What did I do to get here?

I became angry with myself; tired to the point of despair. I have so much sorrow in my heart (Psalm 13). Am I saved? I feel lonely and broken and wretched. I miss Him. Surely "I am a worm and not a man" (Psalm 22:6), a" brute beast" (Psalm 73:22) before the Righteous Judge, Who judges impartially each according to his deeds (1 Peter 1:17). Surely my fate is condemnation! Or else, where is this "joy in my salvation" (Psalm 13:5)? This "ever-present help in trouble" (Psalm 46:1)?

"How long, O Lord? Will You forget me forever?

How long will You hide Your face from me?

How long must I wrestle with my thoughts

and every day have sorrow in my heart?

How long will my enemy triumph over me?"

But in the midst of my feelings, and honestly my despair of self (2 Corinthians 1:8), the Lord is accomplishing His purposes. He brought me here. He led me into this place of drought. He warned me. And how quick was I to believe the lies!

Yet, His purposes overcame, His promises stood, even when I didn't see it.

To be honest, I still have a hard time seeing it. None of these things are truly in the past for me, and I continue to struggle with these thoughts. For the past year, almost daily, I've questioned if I am truly saved. Like, what else would explain this? Or I must be unrepentantly living in sin for Him to seem so distant and for my mind to be so dull in understanding His Scriptures and ways, for this long. And if I'm living in unconfessed sin that's kept the Lord at bay for 3 years... still saved? 1 John says no. I only have one logical conclusion...

"Look on me and answer, O Lord my God.

Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;

my enemy will say, 'I have overcome him,'

and my foes will rejoice when I fall."

Ah, but the Lord is greatly to be praised!

1 Samuel 3:18 states it well: "He is the Lord, let Him do what is right in His eyes." And He will. And that is assuredly for our good! For while my strength fails, He accomplished His will. He is faithful to do as He has planned all along. This 3-year journey, which still continues, is not without fruit:

Conviction of sin. In the midst of my own failing strength, I came to see my limitations. I came out of a place of abundance, of great grace and intimacy. My favorite verse was about my Maker being my Husband (Isaiah 54:5). I rejoiced in His love. But I felt so special. I constantly compared myself to the people around me and saw God's grace in sustaining my obedience as something to take pride in. Yet there I was, flattering myself too much to detect and hate my own sin (Psalm 36:2), while constantly crying out to be made holy. I was a lot like the Pharisees, comparing myself to others and thinking I come out on top. This time of thirst has brought intense introspection, and I praise God, "for I know my transgressions, and my sin is ever before me," (Psalm 51) yet He is teaching me to constantly remember His Son. For "purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean; wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow." By His blood, I have life. In His death and resurrection, I walk before the Lord in His favor, as a son and co-heir with Christ, empowered to live in a manner worthy of that inheritance and calling (Ephesians 4:1).

Trust. As I mentioned earlier, my time in the Word seemed only enough for the day. And I believe that was intentional. "Give us this day our daily bread" (Exodus 16, Matthew 6:11). A lesson, every day, to trust. To believe Him at His Word. He is faithful to do as He says. He's been showing me that I often seek answers and understanding, instead of following Him each moment. But "we walk by faith, and not by sight" (2 Corinthians 5:7). I don't need to know anything about my circumstances for the rest of my life in order to trust God. Because sometimes He doesn't explain anything. Sometimes He doesn't make our decisions clear, but He does lead us in His paths for His Name's sake (Psalm 23:3). Every step we take is sovereignly guided by the "Shepherd and Overseer of my soul" (1 Peter 2:25).

Discipline (by grace). This also applies to my time in the Bible these past 3 years. I can't explain to you the amount of times I've read His words in tears, not because It is "sharper than any two-edged sword", but because It didn't feel "living and active" at all (Hebrews 4:12). Because my mind didn't seem to be illuminated to the Scripture and the words written were the only ones I heard, and sometimes even they made little sense. And yet, by grace, He has kept me consistently in the precious pages of the revelation of His character and His plan for redemption and sanctification. This has proven invaluable to the sustaining of my faith and of my obedience to Him. This daily bread, given at His determining, has preserved my life.

Saved to a community and Body of believers. Before this season, I'd write paragraphs full of thoughts and prayers reading even just one verse. Nowadays, I'm happy to understand what is written. I do think this is largely due to the fact that I didn't share what I learned (but also to remind me that it's not anything about me, it's His grace that allows me to learn and to hear). I thought, once again, that I was special and that this understanding was for me, for my own relationship with Him. But He has taught me that my faith, His lessons, His gifts, everything He does is for the building up of the Body, that together, by "speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into Him Who is the Head" (Ephesians 4:15). For "if we are comforted, it is for your comfort" (2 Corinthians 1:6), not just our own. He has not allowed me to continue to think so selfishly without conviction.

I am thankful.

"But I trust in Your unfailing love;

my heart rejoices in Your salvation.

I will sing to the Lord,

for He has been good to me."

He has done so much. And though His promises are not always fulfilled the way we expect them to be, we can be no less assured that He is keeping them. He is always "Faithful and True" (Revelation 19:11). And He is in the process of doing much more. He is making me not only a hearer, but a doer of His Word-- that my conviction would lead to "bearing fruit in keeping with repentance" (James 1:25, Matthew 3:8).

"For You, O God, have tested us, You have tried us like silver. You brought us into the net; You laid a crushing burden on our backs; You let men ride over our heads; we went through fire and through water; yet You have brought us out to a place of abundance" (Psalm 66:10-12).

At times my weakness throughout this trial makes me feel "so utterly burdened beyond my strength that I despair of life itself. Indeed, I felt that I had received the sentence of death. But that was to make me rely not on myself but on God Who raises the dead." (2 Corinthians 1:8-9). "Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!" (Romans 7:24). "In this I rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, I have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of my faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is refined by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ" (1 Peter 1:6-7). Therefore, "return to rest once more, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you. For [He has] delivered my soul from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling; that I may walk before the Lord in the land of the living" (Psalm 116:7-9).